001you. >> All right, ladies and gentlemen. All right. All right. Listen up. We got some good things to go over with you before we start because you are going to be part of the performance tonight. Okay. Now, folks, a few things to remember. Here's what you absolutely cannot do. No coughing, sneezing, belching, snorting, yawning, or going in the can. Got it? >> Got it. >> Good. Good. Good. Going to be a good audience. All right. Now, we do want you guys to feel free to be applauding, good foring, belly laughing, and oh yeah, don't forget swooning when appropriate. >> And believe me, I'll let you know when it's appropriate. Got it? >> Good. Good. All right. Now, our sponsors want to make sure you got this right. Remember, millions and millions of people will be
002listening. So, let's practice. You start easy. Apply. [applause] Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. Okay. All right. How about for some? We got some skilled gafas here tonight, I'll tell you. All right. Now, how about belly laugh? Come on. Looking at some of those bellies out there. I know you got better belly laughs than that. Let's give it another try. >> All right. Okay. Good. Not good. Not good. And finally, the big one. The spoon. Wow. Professional spooning. I like it. That was some good spooning. Okay. You got it. >> Good. >> All I want you to do is have fun and don't make me come down there and give you the stink eye. >> Just have fun tonight. Okay. Get ready, Mr. Livermore. We're on in five, four, three. [music] Good evening, [clears throat]
003listeners. This is Lyall Livermore speaking. As is our tradition tonight. Live from WPHI theater in Philadelphia, we bring the holiday spirit into your living room. This evening, we take you on a journey across America, one certain to make you laugh and cry as we present a U tide odyssey. [applause] Now, allow me to introduce the stars of our show tonight. You know him from his starring role in the horror movie classic the lima bean that ate the south Jersey. Tonight playing the role of Gary. Please give a hearty welcome to Mr. Dirt Van Knight. [applause] Gracing our stage tonight, fresh from his week-long performance off Broadway in Zorba the Geek playing the role of Danny. Say hello to Mr. HARRISON HOLLINGS [applause] and returning to our theater in the role of Ruth after co-starring in
004the blockbuster movie Bonso Goes Bananas. Please give a warm Philly welcome to the sultry Lana Lachley. [applause] Tonight, these headliners along with our all-star cast bring you this tale with our sincere wish that your Christmas may be a joyous one and with the hope that the telling of a U tide odyssey may help to make it so. So, let's get started. Ladies and gentlemen, our storyteller, Mr. Randolph Montgomery. [applause] >> [applause] >> Good evening and merry Christmas. For me and hopefully for you, the Christmas season always arrives with a certain energy in the air. Maybe it's the anticipation or the hustle and bustle. Whatever the case, it certainly is a time I look forward to and enjoy. For me, more important than the giftgiving and the getting is the gathering of friends, family, and loved
005ones. My recollections of Christmas focus mainly on the storytelling around the dining room table. Tales of UI past, stories which contain nearly as much fiction as fact. As my dear old dad used to say, I love to tell stories. Some of them are actually true. >> Such is the case of a tale told as we gathered around the dinner table one Christmas Eve many years ago. Folks, it was December of 1957. President Dwight Eisenhower had been reelected, but Lord knows we all liked Ike. The nation's highway system was expanding rapidly and Americans took advantage heading out to all parts of the country. One such band of travelers began a journey in Philadelphia, a journey each member would never forget. Now, according to the Greyhound bus company, the Coast to Coast trip is scheduled to leave
006Market Street on December 16th and arrive on the West Coast 8 days later, just in time for the holidays. Boarding the bus in Philly, some of the travelers would stay on for the duration, planning to exit at various points on the west coast. The first leg of the trip followed a route to southern New Jersey and then proceeded north concluded in Scranton, Pennsylvania. The man behind the wheel was Ivan Papalopa, a barrelchested, funloving type who grew up in Latia. For the former World War II tank commander, handling a Greyhound bus was a piece of cake. Hey, you sports. First aboard the bus was Stella Stone, a retired Philadelphia first grade teacher. She had a reputation as a strict disciplinarian, but truly loved her kids. and despite working for 35 years, never forgot the students thing.
007>> Randph Montgomery, I remember you when you were knee high to a grasshopper. Taught your mom and dad, too. [snorts] >> Yes, ma'am. So, they told me. Next to climb on was Carrie Grantwood, a prospective sports cer on his way to a big new job as baseball playbyplay announcer for a single A Yakama Braves. Follically challenged, he covered his bald paint with the world's worst toupe, which had a noticeably different color and often shifted in mid conversation. >> Hello [clears throat] there, folks. This is Carrie Grant LIVE FROM THE BUS STATION in the city of brotherly love. You get the idea. He loved to hear himself talk. He was followed moments later by William Pasquei, better known as Billy from Southville, and he knew every back alley of his beloved section of the city, and
008loudly proclaimed his love for the Phils, the Warriors, and the Eagles. Trouble was that uh there was a rumor that uh Billy needed to lay low for a while and the left coast seemed like a safe place to do so. Yo, how you doing? Next to join the bunch was Sandy, a vivacious carefree registered nurse who smoked like a chimney. It was well known among her fellow nurses that the profoundly adamorous Sandy had never met a doctor she did not love, at least temporarily. >> I need a comfy spot. Take out my carton of Lies and watch the world go by. >> Then came Father Patrick, a kindly priest who was an absolute blessing to his community. Having served his country as a Navy chaplain, he proudly sported an anchor tattoo on his right forearm.
009On the left could be found the logo of his beloved Phillies. >> Bless you. >> A thanks. The good father was followed by James Kelly. Quiet a type sporting an Oop jacket. He quickly found a seat near the back of the bus who seemed intent on not being noticed. Hello. Last word was Danny from Nanny. A bright, creative type, he was looking to get out on his own. He had experienced a challenging upbringing as his father was known to frequent tap rooms and consequently pass away at a young age. Raised by his mom, Danny loved her to pieces. He rightly believed he took after her, but feared he would wind up like his dad. Often times at night, the darkness would descend over him, and he would stealthily reach for his flask. >> Hi everyone.
010>> Well, with all the board, the voyage began. The greyhound cruised out of the city, spewing black exhaust as it rumbled over the Ben Franklin bridge. Jew, are we there yet? The Greyhound continued it on its route, leaving behind the urban clutter. Ivan put the bus in gear and headed for the seashore, specifically Ocean City, a bastion of the Methodist church. Two pairs of coast to coasters boarded there. First off was a young couple who were expecting their first child. >> Well, hello there. Welcome aboard. I'm Stella. >> I'm Lauren. And this is my husband, Ralph. >> Hi, Ralph. Looks like you two are getting ready to expand your family. >> Can't wait. Lauren is due in mid January. We are both really excited about the baby. >> I'm sure. So, how long have you
011been husband and wife? >> We were married last February. Oh my Millywoods. So, how did you two meet? >> Well, that is an interesting story. I was working at Drexel as a secretary and Ralph was an engineering undergrad. We met in the dining hall. >> Yep. I was so enraptured by this beautiful young lady that I just had to say hello. >> This is where the story gets a little murky. The truth is Raph is a little clumsy. >> Me? >> Yes. Just a teensy bit, dear. He has a habit of gesturing while talking. And I guess he got a little excited and accidentally spilled his yugoo all over my jumper. He felt so bad about the spill they took me over to Pennies and bought me a new one. I must admit, I was
012impressed. After that, it was not long before we fell in love. He popped a question and after Ralph graduated in December, we were married. Did you have a honeymoon? >> Oh, yes. It was so romantic. Four days at Bushkill's calls followed by three more at Mount Airy Lodge. Wow. And then back to work. >> Well, yes, but when I found out I was expecting, I decided not to go back to work. >> So, what do you like better, secretary or housewife? >> Definitely housewife. I have to be busy and there's always something to do. Just making the beds is fun for me. And I swear you love ironing and folding fitted sheets. >> I can never figure out those sheets. >> You and the rest of the civilized world. So, are you headed to the
013West Coast? >> Yep. I have a big job interview in Seattle where I have family. In [clears throat] fact, Warren is going to have the baby out there. >> Well, congratulations you two. If you need anything, Lauren, let me know. I'm happy to help out. >> Well, thank you, Stella. That is so kind. >> Well, also putting in Ocean City were the Johnson's, Pastor Paul and his bride, Ruth. The pastor was a recent graduate of Shelton Bible College in Greenwood where he earned a divinity degree with a minor in sin identification. Ruth was a card carrying member of the women's Christian temperance union. They had truly enjoyed Ocean City, an alcohol-free town. Now when pastor wore his clerical collar at all times in public and upon entering the bus noticed father Patrick with much in
014common they would soon become acquainted. Well the journey continued on to the southern tip of the state stopping in >> May. Yeah tired old Victorian shore town. Some of the travelers satisfied their midday hunger and thirst at a local hangout known as the ugly love. And despite Robert Patrick's urging, that group did not include pastor Paul and Ruth. The route then shifted 180 degrees as the Greyhound puffed its way northward of the beautiful brand new Garden State Parkway and route to the less than lovely beaches of Atlantic City. We have [clears throat] an hour break in Atlantic City. Would you and Ruth care to join me for a bite to eat? >> Sure, we'd love to. I visit here often and I know a great place on the boardwalk. Open year round. Best French fries
015at the shore. >> Oh, I love fries. >> It sounds perfect. So the three got to know each other over burgers, fries, and cos. >> Father, that big building there, isn't that when they crown Miss America? >> You bet. And then in the next morning, Miss America strolls right out here on this very beach. and the way she plays and all the photographers take their picture. >> Oh yes, that's right. I remember seeing photos every year in the Philadelphia Bon. >> God loves the shore. >> I do love the shore. And strange as it may seem, I'm especially fond of the sound of seagulls. >> Now, now be careful there on those seagulls. Paul, make sure you keep your hat on. Oh, I get it. Surprises. We don't want that. >> Right now, the seagulls
016are interesting creatures. You want to talk about a onetrack mind? Well, all they think about is food. >> They seem to have a sick sense for finding it, too. >> Really? [clears throat] >> Absolutely. Here, I'll show you what I mean. And with that, Father Patrick tossed a French fry into the air and watched as a squadron of seagulls dove in. The lucky one came out of his dive with the newly deployed French fries sinking down at his beach. >> That's amazing. >> Never fails. I have to hundreds of fries up into the air on this very boardwalk and none has ever touched the wound. >> Mind if I give it a try? >> Sure. But if you really want to have some fun, throw what's left in the cup all at once. >> Gotcha.
017>> So, as Ruth hurled the remaining fries into the air, seals flew in from as far away as Canasties. And just as Father Patrick indicated, not one fry touched the ground. Well, back on the bus, the journey continued, but with the exception of Ruth and the two clergymen, there's virtual silence. No one speaking above a whisper. A lack of interaction between the riders would have made for an extremely long, boring, uncomfortable ride. But fortunately, Ivan, the driver, came through in the clutch. Much too quiet on the bus. Need entertainment. Back when I drive tank in big war crew and I do group sing. How about it? Sports. >> Sure. It sounds like fun. >> Yeah. >> Great. Why don't you pick up? >> No problem. I'll sing favorite song with Custo Barnacle the sale. >>
018Oh, wait a minute. I You might want to pick another song. I was in the Navy and I know the words the water bill the sailor. I mean, we've got ladies present. >> You're right. Okay, then. Dick's second favorite song. Beer barrel pa. >> Excellent choice. Love it. >> Let's do it. Ready? A one and a two and a roll [music] out the barrel. Roll out the barrel of roll [music] [singing] out the barrel. We got the blues on the run. Singer. [music and singing] Bring out a song of cheer. Now's the time to roll the barrel for the [singing] gear. [music] Roll out the barrel. Roll out the battle of [music] roll out the barrel. We got the blues on the run. Singer. [music] Bring out a song of cheer. Now it's time to
019roll the barrel for the [music] [singing] [applause] A few more songs followed that rousing rendition, but just moments later singing was interrupted when Ivan was confronted by a common problem for bus riders. other drivers and in response use language not approved by the Greater New Jersey Methodist Conference. His happy nature was occasionally way by his temper. I had lost fuse on that temper, but boy, it sure did burn rapidly. >> HEY, YOU SON OF A YOU CUT ME OFF. NOW YOU DIE. >> My son, remember the ladies? Uh, sorry, father. Guess I forgot my love from my fellow man. >> If it is, you're a rotten son of a >> Iron. Out of curiosity, when was the last time you went to confession? >> About a year ago. >> A year ago, you're over two.
020>> Went to confession with old Orthodox priest. Lasted 7 hours. Had lots of sins. And you say 2,000 Hail Maryries. You think maybe I get credit for so many Hail Marys? >> I don't know about we let we let it slide tonight. >> Ah, Father, you good guy. >> That's my joke. >> So, Father, why you travel cross country? >> I'm headed for a family reunion. >> So, you have brothers and sisters? >> Oh, 10 kids in all. Five girls, three of whom are sisters. >> I know, Dad. >> Oh, no. I mean, three of them are moons. >> Oh. Oh, I get it. >> There's Patricia, Mary, Kathleen, Marine, and Eileene on the girl side. And on the boy side, me, Patrick, Sean, Sheamus, Ian, and Maro. Mario. Yes. My mother-in-law. Mario. God bless
021his soul. He was married to my favorite, Aunt Mary Teresa. Still going strong at 88 years young. In fact, she sent me off with this here on thermos filled with her famous soup bazoo. Still hot, too. You know, she never quite got figured that out. I think the thermos has got to be the greatest invention of all times. You know, it keeps the hot things hot and the cold things cold. How do you know? >> Daddy, tell us about your family. >> I grew up with one brother and two sisters. My mom raised us and did a great job. My dad had a problem though. Couldn't handle his boobs. Turned out he died a natural death. A beer truck backed over with a big smile on his face. My mom was great. Managed to keep
022us all in line. And that wasn't easy. I remember some moms in my neighborhood used the ruler as heat for the kids seat. My mom used a fly squatter as her weapon of choice. She, you know, you never really used it on us, but just the possibility was enough to keep us in mind. >> How about your family, CARRIE? OH, WELL, UH, I GREW UP ON a farm in Hampton, New Jersey, the blueberry capital of the world. And I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU I absolutely hate blueberries. The kids in school thought I had a rare disease because my fingernails were always blue. Every shirt I own growing up had blue stains. I never want to see another BLUEBERRY IN MY LIFE. I'LL MAKE THEM GO DOWN THE PRODUCE AISLE at >> Well, now we do
023have two men of the cloth here. I'm sure you guys had to study hard. You know, Father, I once thought about becoming a priest, but the seminary sounds so boring. I never pursued it. Well, and then that whole celibacy thing, too. So, father, what was it like in seminary? Oh, I love the seminary. Lots of great guys, lots of practical jokes. I'll never forget the time my roommate, now Father Joseph, started a rumor that the next pope was going to be a math major from Villanova. Like that would really happen. Crazy, huh? He also stole the sacrificial wine and replaced it with the grape juice. Really upset the priest. But come to think of it, we did get a few converts from the Methodist church. >> Hey, Father, I wanted to learn a lot of
024that stuff at the uh the cemetery. Uh I got to ask you because I wanted to know something. How do you make holy water? >> Oh, that's easy, my son. You just get some tap water and you boil the hell out of it. Well, I'd love to chew the fat some more, fellas, but it's getting late. Don't want to keep the ladies open. Well, the ice had been broken, and the travelers began to get to know each other. As it turned out, the old phrase, it's a small world, proved to be true. But Stella took a good look at James. You look familiar. You wouldn't be little James Kelly, would you? >> Well, in person, that's me. I was wondering if you recognize me. My friends call me Jimmy. >> Well, you'll always be James
025to me. You were in one of my first classes. [sighs] >> I sure remember you, Miss Stone. Boy, do I remember you. >> So, James, what became of you? What do you do for a living? >> Well, [clears throat] I became one of Philly's finest. Put in my 20 years and retired early. >> Good for you, James. In what division did you work? I was in the traffic division. I wrote 14,789 tickets in my career and you'll be proud of me. Never misspell a word. And I always receive compliments on my penmanship. All thanks to you, Miss. I remember thinking you had talent. Couldn't multiply two times three, but he had excellent penmanship, excellent spacing, and slant. So, where are you headed? >> Well, thought I'd head out west and check out some land on
026the way. Maybe buy a small farm. >> That's great. I'm sure you'll do will do very well. >> Thanks, ma'am. >> While Stella and James continued their discussion of old times in first grade, Billy and Father Patrick also found the common ground. They thought, "What parish do you serve in Philly?" >> Oh, I I wait a minute. Father's checking on the sacramental wine. >> I had too much of the sacrament of wine. >> So, uh, >> I serve as lady of Kensington. >> Uhhuh. Really? [clears throat] Then you must know my brother. He used to go there. >> What's his name? >> He goes by Barry and Jerry cuz, you know, he's just a little uh crazy. >> Oh, sure. I know Gerald. I remember him. Such a nice young man. He used to help
027the parish get their cars inspected. I haven't seen him in a while. How's he doing? >> Well, father, he'll be doing better in about 3 months. >> 3 months? Why 3 months? >> Well, if he keeps behaving himself, he'll get out of the joint in a greater. Last time I visited him, he swore he'd never boost another car or sell another hot inspection sticker. Amen. >> Oh, very well. And give him my tell him to come see me and visit me in the confessional. >> Lord, thanks, Father. I will. >> Now, Ruth in particular wanted to get to know the members of her new flock and came away amazed by what she learned about Sandy the nurse. >> Hey, Sandy, have you been watching the young mother? She looks like she's about ready to pop.
028You might be right about that, but look, it's not going to be a problem if she goes into labor. I've helped deliver hundreds of babies. >> Really? >> Absolutely. My fourth husband was an obstitrician. I worked in his practice for the 3 years that we were married. It was the only time we saw each other. >> Fourth husband? >> Yep. Fourth of four. Let me see if I can remember the others. First was her, a plastic surgeon. Great he was his fourth wife. He's on number six now. Did you ever let him do any work on you, Sammy? >> Never. Wouldn't let him touch me. I mess with perfection. >> Indeed. >> Okay. So, then there was my second husband, Wall-E, an anesthesiologist. 5' 2 in, about the size of one of the dwar seven
029dwarfs. In fact, his nickname was Dopey. He was one of the best gas passers on the main line. He ditched me and ran off to Vegas with his receptionist. I think I slept through most of that marriage. the last 6 months. >> Oh dear. Such a shame, sweetie. >> No, not at all. I get four figures in alimony every month. Now, husband number three, Marvin, the proctologist. >> A what? >> You know, rear admiral. >> He was in the Navy. >> Kind of. I used to call him old squint. Nice guy. Bad husband. Like to talk about work far too much. >> Oo, that stinks. >> You're telling me [laughter] I found out long ago [music and singing] >> it's a long way down the holiday road. [music and singing] Hallelujah. [singing] [music] Hallelujah. [music]
030Hallelujah. [singing] [music] Hallelujah. [singing] >> [applause] >> Well, the now saltcovered Greyhound continued northward upon arrival in the Big Apple. The travelers were enthralled as they gazed at the towering skyscrapers. The brightness of Time Square illuminated their path as they gawkked at the thousands of twinkling neon lights and enormous holiday decorations while also marveling at the preparations in progress for the dropping of the ball on New Year's Eve. Upon arriving at the bus station, two more passengers boarded. Dr. Iseroku Itito and his wife Aeri. destination Lai California. The doctor spoke virtually no English, so a Erie served as interpreter. Natives of Tokyo, they were on their way to an international physician's conference. Seeing new travelers on board, Ruth, of course, wanted to make sure they felt welcome, so she made it a point to say
031hello to a year. >> Welcome aboard. I just wanted to say hi, I'm Ruth. What's your name? >> I am a Eerie. >> Say that again for me, sweetie. >> A Eerie. >> Ei. >> Pretty close. A Erie. >> Oh my. I am so bad with names. Sweetie. Is it reeri? >> Japanese names are hard for Americans. >> It's a eerie. >> I'm so sorry. How about if I just stick with sweetie? >> That's fine with me. >> It's a pleasure to meet you. I have to tell you, when you got on the bus, I noticed your dress right away, sweetie. It's beautiful. >> Thank you. >> So, did you buy it in Japan? >> No. I had hot dog in New York City and dropped mustard and relish on my favorite dress. I bought
032this at Sears and Robux. >> Oh my. Well, it sure is lovely. And I have to say, your English is great. Did you learn it in school back in Japan? >> Not really. Most what I learned came from watching American poppers. >> I love As the World Turns. >> You, too. I absolutely adore As the World Turns. Well, sweetie, we have plenty to talk about now. >> Upon clearing the city limits and its symphony of car horns and police sirens, the Greyhound 14 headed west and found some open highway, much to Ivan's delight. Got to ask you, Ivan, what's it like driving a bus long distance? Much fun. Love turnpike. Once got this baby up to 75. Put some pipsqueak and Chevy ballet or convertible pass me doing 90. No respect anymore. Not like old
033days in big war. Always got respect in tank. I bet. Hey, do you drive much in Philly? Sure do. I remember one cold winter night like this. Had 12 people on board, all shivering. Decided to do takeout at Burger King. Ordered 13 coffees and three Whoppers to go. Was great till I knocked over the Burger King statue in parking lot. Boss got very, very mad about that. Ever drive turf groups? Sure, many times. So I guess that meant you had to park this big baby. That must be tough in a city. No problem. No one dumb enough to mess with big bus. Where I stop is where I park. [sighs] >> Ever have any trouble with cops? Only once in Philly may be fair section. Some cop wrote me ticket, left it on windshield. Said
034I parked too far from curb. What a bunch of salami. Oh, you mean baloney? >> Yeah, that too. Cost me 15 bucks. Would like to talk to that cop. Give him a piece of my brain. One thing though, at least I understand writing on ticket. Nice penmanship. Excellent space. With many miles to go, the travelers pass the time in conversation. Such was the case with Billy and Carrie. So, uh, Carrie, who's baseball? I love baseball. Love my fighting films. lived and died with the whiz kids in 50. So, uh, being a broadcaster, you know, any, uh, figures? >> Yeah, sure, man. Got to interview a bunch of fillings down TO CLEAR WATER YEARS AGO. Who's your favorite? Oh, now that's a tough one. Robin Roberts had such glad we remember when he got shot by
035that crazy lady. Well, he showed me a star. And old Putin head Jones was special, too. You interviewed Putin head. >> Sure. >> He's time for my second favorite alltime players with Andy Semin. Well, you know, uh Andy and me being Italian and everything. >> Uh I'm pretty sure Andy is not Italian. >> Really? Uh I guess that drops Andy down to number three. >> Well, so who's your number one guy? >> Well, that's easy. That's Wendy Ashurn. Love the way he plays. Runs like a dead. Never strikes out. Seems like he hits 10 foul balls every time he's up. Ah, Richie Ashurn, the flash from Tilton, Nebraska. Great player, great guy, great interview. >> You actually interviewed at Whitey? >> Absolutely. Told me some great tales from the diamond. >> Okay, best story. >>
036Okay. Well, you mentioned foul balls. He told me about the time he was facing a tough southpaw. He said he kept fouling off pitches into the seats and one after another. Unfortunately, he lined one to the grand stand right at a little old lady, nailed her on the old coconut, BROKE HER NOSE. REALLY? Was she okay? Well, I'm not so sure. White told me that the game was paused because they had to put her on a stretcher. >> Oh, no. >> Yes, sir. Why? He said the game then resumed and as they were taken around that stretcher, HE SMASHED ANOTHER LINE DRIVE INTO HER, BREAKING HER LEG THAT TIME. OH NO. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, Whitey went three for four that day and the Fightings beat the Dodgers 4 to one. That boy. Yeah. Upon arrival
037in Scranton, Mid said his goodbyes and his replacement Roco Abencio came aboard. Rocco was born in Abrunts, Italy. After immigrating through Alice Island, settled in Bayon, New Jersey. He would be at the wheel from a long ride to Chicago. Roco also loved to sing. And it was not long after he took over that the highway was filled with the sound of the traveler's chorus. Hey you, my friends. Uh I have told me you all love to sing. How about you help me sing in my favorite song and then we take a request. >> Hey broco, what's on the top of your billboard list? >> Uh let's see. How about that Sam? >> That song. Does everybody know the words? >> No problem. wall. How about I sing the words and you sing the dexamories? >>
038Sure, that we can do. >> When the moon hits your eye like a bigger pizza pie, >> that's [music] when the world seems [singing] to shine like you've had too much fun. >> That's bells will ring. Tingle [music] aling tingling and you'll [singing] sing beatella. [music] Hearts will play tippy tippy tippy tippy t like [singing] a grenella. [music] When the stars make you drool just like Mustafa. >> When you dance down the street [music and singing] with a clown at your feet, you're in love. [music] When you walk in a dream, but you know you're not dreaming. Senor [music] scoos me. Don't you see back in old Napoli? >> That's [music and singing] true of me. But you see back in old Napoli. [music] [applause] >> But the chorus continued into the night with the
039singing of every song ever recorded by Old Blue Eyes. The travelers drifted off to sleep that night with lyrics in their heads and smiles on their faces. >> We'll be right back after this important commercial message. >> What a beautiful day on the beach. >> Almost perfect. >> Well, if you could just get rid of that lingering odor. >> Wonder what it could be. >> Hey, but any idea what it is? >> Oh, beats me. Oh, look at the town. I have to go feed the parking meter. Boy, that's strange. The odor seems to be dissipating rapidly. You don't think Butch >> I think he needs an intervention. Shore smells like stage four foot odor to me. >> Definitely. >> Hey guys, here it comes. >> Butch, we need to talk. >> Okay. Got to
040ask, do your neighbors shut their windows when they see you walking down the street? >> Well, you know, come to THINK OF IT, THEY DO. >> Do people always look you right in the toes? Oh my. Yes indeed. Do dogs keel over? Will they step your shoes? >> Well, yes, but only the small breeds. How did you know? >> Well, Butch, we're here to help you come the o overcome the painful stigma of chronic food over. >> Oh, really? It's that bad? >> Yes, indeed. >> Absolutely. >> But don't fret. Hope is only a phone call away. >> We hardly recommend the new Daml. It really does the job. >> Damit. >> Definitely the cure for those hot, sweaty, smelly feet of yours. >> Really? >> With Damol, your days of dread are over. >>
041And it's so easy. >> You just sprinkle Dol powder on your toes at least nine times a day. >> Before long, you will walk in barefoot again without causing a standing on the beach. >> Oh, great. But is it safe? >> Perfectly safe. Heck, even if you're allergic to it, use it anyway. >> Some minor side effects have been reported. They include >> diary and fiery sever. The records, the shingles, the grip, the vapor, the plague, the village, >> TV, RSD, OCD, >> carpet, carpet ready, >> ringorm, what generosis, death, temper, feline, leukemia, >> battle fever, >> overbite, underbite, >> steroids, >> concussion, deep growth, >> acid reflux, heart palpitations, >> and diaper rash. which can lead to death. >> Not to worry, Gucci boy. >> But don't wait. Call Elgen 62847. That's Elgen 62847
042[clears throat] while supplies last. >> Call before midnight tonight. They'll throw in a second bottle at no extra charge. >> Just pay 17.95 and shipping. >> Wow, what a deal. A LIFE FREE OF FOOT ODOR. How can I ever thank you? Well, you can, >> but if you would like to have big help if you would about the overnight delivery, we'd really appreciate that. >> That's Damon, folks. >> Sprinkling your way to cool fragrant feet. >> Before long, you'll be saying, "Ah, damn it all." >> [applause] >> And now back to our production of a U Tide Odyssey, a home to enhance the Christmas spirit on the bus. Rocco took a slight detour into the Finger Lakes region of New York State, cruising through beautifully decorated little villages which celebrate the holidays like no other.
043From there, the bus motored on through snowcovered Rochester and Buffalo, luckily avoiding the area's famous lake effect snowstorms. Man, seems like there is snow everywhere. Not sure I could live up here. Just mile after mile of snow. Makes me feel like I'm in Antarctica. >> Never been there. Is that outside Philly? [clears throat] [laughter] No, >> just a little south of there. Uh, you know, I was never good at uh geography. Well, I think I'll head back to my seat and uh do some uh reading. Turned out Billy had come equipped with a variety of reading materials, some of which were, let us say, for more mature readers. He liked one monthly magazine in particular, which always featured a provocative photo in the center. the type of magazine that Ruth in her puritanical lifestyle did
044not know much about. >> Oh, Billy, I see you have a magazine. I was wondering, sweetie, if I could borrow it when you're done. I'm all out of things to read. >> What uh this your magazine? Uh uh I don't know. You see, this is a journal from my uh my medical correspondence course from the uh Dr. Are you after school in medicine? >> Oh, I see. H some of the photos look a bit risque. >> Oh, no, not really. Uh this month's issue is on an ethnic and specifically the uh the respiratory system. Pretty dull stuff. Really doubt you'd be interested. Lots of technical terms, big [clears throat] words like the ammonia and fleetus. important stuff to know. Plus, I got to hold on to these journals to get ready for my final exam.
045I'm planning on opening up my practice after graduation today. >> Oh, I see. Well, good luck, Doc. >> Nicely done, Billy Boy. You know, I was thinking of going to medical school myself. Let me know when you're done studying. Now here in Cleveland, Danny had the opportunity to get to know a mirror. He noticed her working with a small piece of paper, folding it carefully into an interesting shape. >> May I ask what you're making? [clears throat] >> I am making a crane. A lovely bird. I learn as child Japanese love to make cranes. >> Oh, I see now it's beautiful. >> Crane is sign of peace. Peace for oneself, peace for others. What are you doing? >> Keep some. Give most away. Good to give peace, don't you think? >> Absolutely. >> I have
046some in my bag. Would you like to see that? >> I'd love to. >> With that, Ary showed Danny a bag containing hundreds of multicolored cranes, various sizes, all expertly folded. >> They're beautiful. I love them. >> Would you like to learn how to make them? >> I sure would. So an earring gave Danny a 50step tutotor on how to make paper grains. His first effort looked more like a turkey buzzard, but he quickly improved doing practice. He started using chewing gum wrappers and found them to have the perfect texture. So at each subsequent stop, he bought jumbo packs of Juicy Fruit, Delment, and Ren spearmint. So as not to be seen by the others, he toiled diligently at night. He enjoyed the work and it provided him with remarkably fresh breath while also producing
047dozens of beautiful cranes. Interestingly, while folding those cranes, the darkness he had experienced did not return. Not once did he take the cap off of his flask. For the time being, it seemed he had found some peace for himself. Now, on a long journey such as this, it was inevitable that cabin fever would set in. Ruth realized the younger crowd needed some activity, so she enlisted Lauren, Ralph, and the three young men. >> Hey guys, I think I have just the medicine to lighten things up. >> Oh, well, what do you have in mind? >> Just my favorite game in the whole world, Yatsi. >> Oh, yeah. I heard of that, but I never played. >> Oh, it's easy to learn. And I can teach you in a jiffy. >> I know yatsi. Used to
048play as a kid. Great game. >> Me too. Used to love to calculate the probabilities with the dice. That's how I learned to use a slide roll. >> But do we have five dice? >> Oh yeah. I have a whole bunch in my bag. And we need a container to shape them up. Anything around here we can use? >> Uh yeah, here. Try this. I keep my tension in these. >> Hey the storm. >> And we need to make up some score sheets, too. No need, sweetie. I can always have an extra pad of Yatsi score sheets in my handbag. You never know when you're going to find a hot game. >> With all the makeshift ingredients in hand, Ruth did a short explanation of the rules, sharing your years of experience detailing Yatsi strategy.
049>> Okay, let's get started. All right, Ruth, how about you take the first role? And so a Yatsi tournament commenced lasting over two hours. The contest grew in fervor. The intensity was palpable and subsequently a crowd gathered around the competitors. As the excitement built to a crescendo, the contestants were on edge as Carrie practicing his trade as a playbyplay man described the penultimate moment to his engrossed audience. Folks, it all comes down to this last turn. Ruth needs Yatsa to win. A full five of a kind. What are her chances? Can she pull it off? One by one, she places the dice in the denture holder. I mean the cup. Beads of sweat have formed on her brow. With the cup in her left hand, she shakes them up and lets them fly. Oh, the
050crowd responds as the dust clearers to reveal Ruth with three fives. Not a bad start. Uh, Billy, Billy from South Philly, what do you think about her chances of pulling this off? Ruth is a terrific player. You can't just shut her down. You can only hope to contain her. Good first roll, but I think it's still a long shot. >> Well, that could well be true. Well, Ruth leaves the three pies on the seat and places the other two dice in the cup again. She rattles the irrit. That's four of a kind. Good enough for second place. Oh, but we know our Ruth, she wants the whole anchelada. Can she do it? Can she want one more five? The game's on the line. She gets up high. This is the moment of truth. The moment
051Ari play dreams of as a kid. She gently places the tie in the cup. She shakes once, twice, THREE TIMES, AND NOW CAUSES TO LOOK HEWARD AND THERE IT GOES. It rumbles, stumbles, tumbles to the EDGE OF THE SEAT AND BOUNCES DOWN ON THE FLOOR. There's a night scramble to see the number on that final die. Could it be? Might it be? It is. IT'S A FIVE. SHE'S DONE IT. RUTH HAS DONE IT. SHE HAS DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE. HOTY TOPSY. She's a yatsi champion. [applause] >> And with that, Ruth was crowned the official Greyhound Yachtsy champion of the world. The boys offered her the denture cup as a momento, but she gracefully declined. Well, time flies when you're having fun, and the yachts contestants were surprised to look up and find they had arrived in
052the windy city. There they bid farewell to their new friend, Rocco. >> [music] >> Jingle [singing] jingle jingle jingle jingle all the way to ride. [music] Jingle jingle [singing] jingle jingle. Oh, what fun it is to ride [music] in a onehorse open sleigh. Hallelujah. [singing] Hallelujah. [music] Hallelujah. [singing] [music] Hallelu. [applause] Onto the bus stepped Carl Schultz who would be delivering them to St. Louis. Both Bees Scott Carl was a lover of Vagner and spent a fair portion of the ride with his transistor tuned to classical music. The occupa serenade. Therefore, there was no singer. It can be duly noted that Carl often confused the turnpike with the autobon and always had one eye on his watch ensuring their timely arrival at each scheduled stop. >> Hey Carl, what's with the loop off Saturday? I
053used to love Vagner. Always a good oldfashioned hoompa band. The more tubas the better. Much music today no good. Don't understand this rock and roll. Now kids today, not like old kids back in boat. >> I guess not. So how long have you been driving a bus? >> Started in 48. Not long after vote. My aunt Villamina and Uncle Fang helped me out. I had two job offers. Bouncer at Auntie's Bureau Garden or drive Greyhound bus. You made a good choice. with the flight of the Valkyries blaring. >> I'm working. >> Okay. >> From Carl's Transistor, the bus sputtered on just outside of Poria. Sandy and Stella struck up a conversation. Through four marriages, Sandy had never had a child of her own. The thought of parenthood and stretch marks scared her to death, but
054not necessarily in that order. >> So, Stella, tell me about teaching first grade. I cannot imagine controlling a bunch of six-year-olds. >> Oh, it wasn't too hard. Never once raised my voice. >> Wow. What was your secret? I learned a trick early in my training from a nun who talked for 50 years. The first student who acted out wound up inside with me and the sisters for lunch while the others enjoyed recess. The other 43 kids in the class got the message. Never a problem after that. >> Oh, but there had to be a few urchins who tried to get away with something naughty. >> Well, there were only a few and they're all buried at Fernwood Cemetery. >> Just kidding. So, what was your favorite prank? >> Well, there was one little guy, Joseph
055Rizzo. Quite a handful. One day, he asked to go to the boys' room. I gave him permission and I told him he had three minutes. So off he hustled. Now my old school had a window in that boy's room that looked out over the back of the school and the custodian's room. So on that bright sunny day, Bert, our custodian, opened his door to the outside and felt some raindrops. He thought that was odd being that it was such a sunny day. Then he looked up and spotted little Joseph peeing out that second floor boys room window. >> Oh my goodness. I imagine little Joseph receives some stern punishment. >> Oh yes. He and I spent some quality time together after school that week. He learned how to wash blackboards and clap erasers. >> So
056do you know what became of Joseph? >> Oh sure. He became an officer in the Philly Fire Department. Figures. It was a natural >> not far from St. Louis, young expectant mother Lauren seemed to more uncomfortable by the minute. Her husband was with her the whole time, never more than 10 ft away, and always inquiring about her health. How are you feeling, dear? >> Oh, my stomach's a little queasy, but I'll be fine. Maybe it was the five pieces of deep dish pizza, the quart of lemonade, and the seven Dixie cups you made. >> Ah, you were so nice to my cravings, sweetheart. >> Well, we stopped. Before long, I could get you some lifesavers. >> Actually, I was thinking about a tuna on rye with extra pickles and a yohoo to wash it down.
057>> It kind of brings back memories of the day we met. Do you remember? >> How could I forget? It was really tough getting that you stayed out of my jumper. >> Well, the Greyhound bus pulled into the bus station in St. Louis at precisely 9:32 a.m. 1 minute before it scheduled time of arrival. Carl the driver scurry off the bus with his transistor radio and a bag of 9V batteries in hand. His replacement, Hyram Piggins IV, would quickly endear himself to the traveling party. Standing 6 feet 4 in and tipping the scales north of 300 lb, Hyram [snorts] kept his ample midsection in toe with the help of industrial strength suspenders. He was truly lovable, always smiling, instantly everyone's friend. >> Welcome to Gordon. I'm Sandy. Howdy, ma'am. Pleased to meet you. My friends
058call me hi. Well, hi. Hi. So, what part of the woods do you come from? >> I was born and raised in Hogack, Arkansas. Third generation razor back farmer, Sue. >> So, how did you wind up behind the wheel of a grand? >> Well, that's a long story. >> Believe me, I've got time. Regal me. Okay. Well, first I love my hometown. I knows everybody by their first name. All 67 of them. What I didn't like was school. I was much happier slopping hogs and doing algebra. That all changed in 8th grade when I met my darling Daisy Sum Alistister. Pervvious angel I'd ever seen. We were sweethearts at first sight. After that, I just could not concentrate on notebook learning and it was pretty frustrating. Turns out 8th grade was the longest three years
059of my life. Well, I turned 16 and decided school was just not for me. So, I quit. Daisy and I ran off and got hitched. I had a super honeymoon in the luxury suite at the Hogback Motel with a beautiful view of this incinerator out back. Well, 10 months later, a little higher five come along and I had to make a decision. Now, working on a pig farm is hard. Pretty tough to make ends meet sometimes. So, when I saw an ad for Greyhound bus drivers in the hog back world, I thought I'd give it a try. Now, I'd driven every kind of farm equipment there is, so driving a bus was pretty easy. After 3 weeks, I was proudly polishing up my Greyhound name tag. >> What a great story. Hi. >> Well, thanks,
060ma'am. So, Miss Sandy, I get the feeling you all ain't a pig farmer. >> Very perceptive. Hi. What you doing? >> I think it was them hot heels. >> Definitely. Actually, I'm a nurse. And just so you know, I've been keeping an eye on her mother to be born. She's been doing a lot of tidying up in the bus. She's usually a sign of a different kind of labor in the future, if you know what I mean. >> Don't I know? Seen it before at home. Not a problem. We'll do what we have to when the time comes. >> So, your experience with little pie comes in handy. >> Actually, we have eight sweet babies now and another on the way. We'll have enough for a baseball team come springtime. >> That's going to keep
061you busy. >> Not a problem. Eight lessons in counting. Know all about babies. I can change a diaper quicker than a jack rabbit in hunting season. >> Not bad. So, eight kids. How old is your first one? >> Nine and a half. We've been talking about putting an addition on the house. >> You think so? >> [music] >> We wish [singing] you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas. We wish [music] you a merry Christmas and a happy [singing] new year. [music] Oh, hallelujah. [singing] [music] Hallelujah. [singing] Hallelu. [music] [applause] Now throughout the trip there were others who joined the group but only for a stop or two along the way. One such rider boarded in St. Louis kept to himself referring to nap most of the way to Debuke. Not a word
062did he speak the route and his silence produced great curiosity among the fellas on the bus. >> Hey guys, the cop and me is kicking in. I got a bad feeling about our sleeping beauty over there. >> Oh, yeah. Why? He ain't moved no muscle since he got on board. >> I know. I've seen him somewhere before. >> Really? You think he's a celebrity? >> No. I think I've seen his picture in the post office. >> So So he's a postmaster? >> I think he's on the FBI's most wanted list. Oh, really? >> Yes. And I'm worried about what's in his suitcase, >> huh? You worried about what is the dirty boxes? >> That suitcase looks just like what the mob and Philly used to tote around their Thompson submachine guns. >> What do we
063do? >> Just sit tight. Don't let the panicking. So James, Billy, and Danny kept a discreet watch on the mystery man. Less than a mile from Deute, the suspected felon awoke and reached for his suitcase. The boy's eyes grew large as the sworthy stranger snapped open the case just as the bus pulled into the station. Okay, folks. 30 minute rest stop here in beautiful Duty QA. Quickly and quietly, the solo rider closed his suitcase and made his way to the door, stopping next to Hyum. Hey, Herb. Great to see you. Hope you had a good trip. >> Great to see you, too. Huh? >> Best to Maggie and the kids. Hey, honey. You know that guy? >> Sure. That's Herb Jones. He's famous in easier parts as the best fit valve repairman in the Midwest.
064He once fixed Louis Armstrong's trumpet after it was damaged in a Marty Gro stampede. He always gets off here in Doney to drop off some instruments at Professor Harold Hill Elementary School. >> Oh, I see. Well, FBI is most wanted, eh? Guess I don't have to make that call to your cop Jay Edgar Hoover. >> Okay. Okay. Now, that stop and debuke was extended slightly due to a bit of a scare. As Lauren and Ralph arose to stretch your legs at the station, Lauren stopped suddenly in the aisle, bending over an obvious discomfort. >> What's the matter, honey? [clears throat] >> Oo, I think I better sit down. Having some pains. >> Sit here. Catch a breath. >> As Lauren reclined on the bus seat, Sandy came forward to help. >> Lauren, tell me what's
065going on. I just started feeling some pain. Not too bad. Seems to come and go. I've been feeling them for a little while. >> No problem. Probably just false labor. But rest here a bit and we'll see how you do. >> It's really not bad. Just a little uncomfortable. >> No problem. Unfortunately, it's just part of the process. Well, it turned out was right. Sure enough. After a little while, the discomfort passed. Laura returned to her seat in the back, content to rest, while Ralph watched over her like a hawk. Later, farther down the road in St. Cloud, Minnesota, Hyram took the initiative to enhance the bus's Christmas decorations. He noticed a small pine tree behind the bus station. Checking to make sure no one was watching, he used his prodigious strength to yank the
066burgeoning sapling out of the ground. He quickly abscotted into the bus with his 4 foot pine and toe and placed it in the front row. But as it turned out, Danny proved to be the real hero in St. Cloud. Hey everybody, got to tell you, I found this great sandwich shop around the corner. They have super specials, and it turns out today's promotion's pretty neat. You buy a jumbo ham sandwich and they give you a free pen light. Anybody interested? I'd be glad to take your order. >> Put me down for one. We'll take two. Put me down for salmon. >> Hyram's big appetite resulted in a pocket full of pen lights. All the others all wound up taking advantage too, securing their freebies in the process. But now nearing Bismar, North Dakota, the clergy
067convened and the topic of conversation turned to the eclectic nature of those on board with particular attention paid to their religious background. >> This certainly is quite a group. They come from all walks of life. >> I suspect from a variety of faiths as well. Well, I know the Catholics are well represented here with James, Stella, and Billy. >> Well, and how about you, Danny? Were you raised in the church? >> Well, Rev, I come from a family of priesters. We went to the Lutheran church on Christmas and Easter only. Lately, I've kind of become an agnostic, but I even have my doubts about that now. >> I see. Hey, how about you and Isuoku? We are Buddhists Shintu too. >> Wonderful. And you Sandy, >> father, for years I just not I did not
068believe even though I was married in two churches, one synagogue, and on Sners Beach in Cape May. So I guess you could say I was an atheist. But seeing the miracle of birth with all those babies through the years now, there just must be someone special up there. >> Bless you, my dear. Hey. Hi. What about you? I come from a long line of proud Baptist. I remember being baptized at 13. Big for my age. I hit the water so hard my robe came off. There I was butt neckaked. I made such a splash that the folks started running and yelling, "Sudi, Sudan." Never did get to meet her. She must have been from out of town. Now, late the day on the 22nd, the bus pulled into the station in Boise, Idaho as the
069sky darkened ominously. Folks, I'm going to drop you all off at the station and go fill up with some gas. Radio says there's some bad weather coming on the way. Going to try to get out ahead of the storm. You all might want to grab an extra sandwich or two. Everyone agreed to make this a quick stop. The two clergmen decided to search for beverages and their efforts resulted in the acquisition of six cases of diet soda. Hire returned to pick up the group as the first snowflakes fell. Reaching the main highway, it was not long before the conditions worsened. The wind was noticeably stronger and the snow intensified, making visibility difficult. Hyru was forced to slow down considerably while soon battered by winds near hurricane force the Greyhound bus to venture far. What inarnation?
070Ah shook. Never seen anything like this folks. I'm sorry but I got to pull over. Can't see 3 feet ahead and snow is piling up on the highway now. We got plenty of gas, so I'll keep the motor running. It'll stay warm in here. No problem there. We're gonna be just fine. Just Just got to hunker down and wait it out. The group was disappointed. They were falling behind schedule, but completely agreed with Hyram's assessment of the conditions. Fortunately, they had resupplied themselves with reading materials in Boise, stocking up on new magazines, Field and Stream, Saturday Evening Post, and best of all, Lawrence Wel Weekly, featuring a special cereal on the dancing duo, and Bobby. Now, the conditions on the bus were not as bad as one might expect. Food and drink were in ample
071supply. No problem there. tired. But he looked after his riders fidiously, while also keeping the motor running. That required him to slip out every hour or so to make certain the tailpipe was not covered with snow. While the storm raged on with no lamp in sight, and there was no sign of any help on the way. And then to complicate matters just a bit, Lauren grew more uncomfortable. And on the evening of the 24th, her water broke. It became quite clear that the time had come for Lauren to have a baby. No matter there was no room for her at the end or even an end to be found. But on the bright side, she's surrounded by her new friends, all showing their conceiving the chorus in full voice. At the conclusion of the final
072carol, Hyram paused and motioned for Danny to come closer. Danny and I just want to say merry Christmas to y'all. Kind of special, ain't it? But there's more, folks. Danny's been working real hard on some gifts for y'all. So, I'll let him do the presentations. >> Merry Christmas. >> I have something special for each one of you because each one of you is so special. Thanks to II, I learned about these cranes. It's pretty neat how they symbolize peace. And there can be no better gift than peace. With that said, he proceeded to present every one of his new friends with a lovely crane. Each one a different color and size. >> I do have one other special presentation. Ruth, come on up. >> Oh my. Danny stepped forward, gave Ruth a big hug, and
073then presented her with a large hat made from the sports section of the Chicago Sun Times. Inscribed on the right side in bold calligraphy was her name. She then turned the hat to the left side to reveal the other inscription, Yatski Champion. >> [applause] >> But to the shock of all, Iseroku then uttered his first English phrase. You hockey. [laughter] It was a few more hours before the bus was able to get underway, and I men skillfully followed the snow plow all the way to the Oregon border, where from there conditions permitted safe passage to the coast. The ensemble all pitched in to care for the we ones, fighting over whose turn it was to hold them. After every feeding though, they were turned over to James one at a time as the former policeman
074demonstrated his forte, burping babies. This technique involved a combination of firm rubs and gentle pats and always produced the desired result. Maybe not this time. So, [laughter] great talking. So, you ask what became of this desperate bunch? Well, some did keep in touch, informing the others about their life's journey. Ralph was hired by Boeing in Seattle where he led a productive life designing spacious [music] inflight bathrooms while Lauren was content to be a housewife mother and skilled fitted sheep folder. Don't say that three times. >> For some reason, she had no more children and strangely never rode on a bus again. >> No way. James the Cobb eventually purchased a small farm in Ohio where he harvested Buckeyes, which he then sold at Ohio State football game, making [music] a fortune in the process. Buckeye
075neck's $5 special. >> Billy returned to his beloved South Billy and in three short years earned his GED. He worked his way up the ladder at the Milton Bradley Toy Company, eventually managing the Mid-Atlantic region. [music] He was well respected in the company after setting a sales record for one item, hot enjoyed a successful career in Yakova, calling minor league baseball [music] games for three decades. He also became the voice on UHF TV of every used car dealer in the Northwest. He had one opportunity to work on a national stage when he was offered a job by a fledgling sports network, but he turned it down as being too risky, saying, "NAH, IN A FEW YEARS, NO ONE WILL remember ESPN." And finally, Dan. Well, he settled on the west coast where he truly found
076himself. While the road was long and at times bumpy, he lived a productive life in Spry. He settled in Pedaluma, a little town nestled near San Francisco in the wine country where he became a certified counselor, helping a myriad of people in need. Through the years, he touched all he served and made it a point to present each of his clients with one of his handmade cranes while reaching the west coast. As each member of this greyhound greyhound family disembark, handshakes, hugs, and a few tears follow. Truly this diverse group from all walks of life from all over the world had been bonded by these birds thus renewed their spirit and faith in mankind. They carried with them a lasting memory of their final song together. Pastor Paul had broken out the Methodist song number
077431. And on that cold, snowy, early Christmas morning, they sang this song together. We invite you to join. [music] Heat. [singing] Heat. [music] [music and singing] Heat. Heat. [music] [music and singing] Yeah. Heat. [music and singing] Oh, [singing] [music] heat, [music] heat. [music] Oh, [singing] [music] heat, [singing] heat. [music and singing] Yeah. [music] [singing] Heat. [music and singing] Oh, [music] [singing] [applause] this is Lyall Livermore saying thank you and good night. This has been a presentation of WPHI Philadelphia. [applause] Oh, Ralph, those pains are back. only worse. It just won't stop. Oh, I think the baby's coming. >> But just relax, dear. >> Relax. Relax. You relax. This hurts, Ralph. >> It's going to be okay. It'll make for a great story to tell our baby. >> You're going to get through this and be
078just fine. Women give birth every day. And I've helped deliver hundreds of babies. >> You ever deliver one in the back of a Greyhound bus? >> Never on a Greyhound. Once on the trailways and twice in a yellow cab. with the neighborhood. You want to talk about pressure. >> Everyone gathered around jostling for a position. >> Okay, enough. Get back to your seats, everyone. This young mother needs some privacy. >> Okay. Okay. But we really want to know how she's doing. Not every day we gets to see a baby born. >> All right. Then one of you can come up and keep the others informed. The rest should remain in their seats with their hands folded or sit Indian style on the floor. >> Yes, you're in front of us. Hey, I was born for
079this. This is what I do. Play by play. >> Okay, Carrie, you have my vote. >> All right, then. It makes it rainy outside, but it's warm and cozy inside here in um Sputville, Idaho. As we get ready for the birth of Ralph and Lauren's baby, little mama is surrounded. We've got nurse Sandy on one side, Dr. Itto on the other with soon to be Papa Ralph sweetly holding his bride's hand while Stella provides security around the huddle. Right now, there's a confab going on as the Doc and nurse Sandy use sign language to determine their strategy. Folks, Sandy just held up two fingers. Not sure what that means. Is it 2 minutes until birth? 2 minutes between contractions. Let's check with Stella on that. Stella, any idea what the two fingers mean? >> Not.
080>> Okay, we'll check in with her later. No. So, let's return to the action in the back. [sighs] Lauren is looking distressed. Yet, Natalie attired in her blue polka dot dress with matching accessories, very nice earrings. Although, uh, her makeup sure could use some work. With that, Stella maneuvered over to Carrie with fire in her eyes. She smacked him on the head with her NBA monthly magazine. The knocking is too pious in the process. >> You definitely do not want to make me cross, Carrie. So, tone down the fashion descriptions. >> Now, after repositioning his toupe, Carrie continued as his audience hung on every word. So, let's get back to the action. It appears we have a big contraction coming. Oh, that was a tough one. But wait, there's been some progress made with that
081last contraction. Oh. Oh, wow. Folks, we've got a special delivery coming. WAIT FOR IT. WAIT FOR IT. And it's out of there. WE HAVE A BALL. WE HAVE A BOY. >> Let me see if I can get a word with PAPA RAPH. RALPH. RALPH, CONGRATULATIONS. TELL US ABOUT THAT BIRTH. THAT WAS REALLY SOMETHING. >> WELL, all went well. Proud to have a son. [clears throat] So proud of Lauren. She's a real trooper. >> Any thought about having more children? >> Well, >> no. Any ideas on a name for the little tank? >> Not at this time. I'll have to confer with Lauren with that. >> Well, congrats on your beautiful baby boy. Well, folks, Ralph is headed back into the fray. And right now, there is a discussion between Sandy and the doc again. Lots
082of hand gestures. Oh. Oh, hold on, folks. I I think we figured out what the two fingers meant. Looks like WE'RE PLAYING A DOUBLE LETTER TODAY. >> YES, SIR. GET READY FOR TWINS. HERE WE GO. HOLY COW. WE'VE GOT A BABY GIRL. >> Good grady in the Navy, folks. WE'VE GOT A PAIR OF WE ONES. HOW ABOUT THAT? >> But wait, hold on. Now there is more banter between Sandy and the doc. Are they looking for a triple play? >> Could it be? Well, we'll be right back after these words from our sponsor Kazoo and Cigar Company. >> So, Mabel, you're back. >> We missed you. >> Thanks. I hear there's big news about our band. Absolutely. This year we're adding percussion. >> Yes. Caloo Kazoo and Scar Company has expanded their musical repertoire with
083the addition of their exciting brand new rhythm sticks. >> Oh wow. That will add such depth to our band. >> I can't wait. Hey girls. Hey, look girls. Here comes the new band members now. Hi guys. Are you ready for tonight? Can't wait. We've been practicing along with our brand new model T21 mahogany rhythm sticks and cigar company is amazing. >> You bet. Just listen. >> Remarkable design. Lightweight yet durable. Easy to play. Easy to store. Versatile, too. >> Just think, girls, we've got classical, country, and jazz sticks available. >> So glad we get the Kamazoo KAZU CIGAR COMPANY CATALOG. IT was so easy to order. Just call Kingswood 30765. That's Kingswood 30765. >> So, what are we waiting for, Ben? Let's make some music. >> Mr. Conjuctor, hit it. >> [music] >> Heat. Heat.
084[music] >> [music] [applause] >> music. >> You too can be a master musician. Don't wait. Order today. And now the conclusion of a U tide oxy. Back to the action on the bus. While we were away, there was a development. It had become clear that Warren will not be giving birth to triplets. >> No, just a twin bill today. We're seeing some gesturing right now. It looks like nurse Cindy is making a cutting motion. Like she needs a pair OF SCISSORS. YES, THAT'S IT. SHE NEEDS SOMETHING TO CUT THE UMBILICAL CORD. Anyone have something sharp with which to cut? I I think I got you covered there, Carrie. I got quite an assortment of knives and other sharp instruments. Never travel without them. Got my Swiss Army knife. Always a versatile tool. And of course,
085my switchblade collection. I got those in 6 and 1/4 and 7 and 38. >> I believe she's just looking for a pair of scissors. >> Oh, I got that, too. Here you go. Oh, all right. We're good. all tied up. Couldn't quite tell if that was a sheep shank or a clove hitch. Now, there is one more request. We've got to keep the we ones warm. Maybe I can help you out with that, too. This is the little fella, my Philly's jacket, autographed on a right sleeve by former ace reliever Jimmy Constantini. What [clears throat] a way to welcome a little guy into the world. Like a little splend, ain't it, Father? >> Indeed. And this is for that baby girl. My bowling shirt. My favorite one with our sponsor's logo. DJ Sep's Pawn Shop
086on the back. The little one deserves to start off like wearing something elegant like this. >> Well, we've got one last item to cover. Ralph and Lauren tell me they're ready to name their babies. >> Yes. We think it's only fitting that the little fellow be named Paul, William, Patrick, Carrie, James, Ira, East Guru, Daniel Smith. >> And the young ladies will be known as Sandra, Ruth, Stella, Aeri, Smith. >> WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS. ONE BIG happy family. >> Father Patrick had thought to look at his watch meticulously set to the correct time. that showed the baby boy to have been born at 12:04 a.m. with a sister arriving shortly after. Both born on December 25th. Despite the brutal cold, a special warmth enveloped the occupants inside. While allowing Lauren to get some
087rest, the others celebrated the birds. Papa Ralph distributed Cuban cigars and Pastor laughed aloud as he saw Hyram sitting between Sandy and Stella. All three with their feet up on the seat in front happily puffing away, grinning broadly. Patrick, perhaps a little later we can gather for a time of reflection and celebration. It is Christmas and it sure seems appropriate to give thanks. It might not be the usual midnight mass for you, Father. But as the good book says, where there are two or more gathered, in my name, there I am with you. >> Excellent idea, Paul. I do seem to remember hearing a similar story long, long ago. No room in the end and all that. Ohio then quietly made his way off the bus as the revalry continued, perhaps from the smoke stream
088created by the cigars. The others did not notice his absence. He reappeared about an hour later. Looking like the abominable snowman, only smaller with bright rosy cheeks, he brushed himself off as the others all noticed his entrance. Hey y'all, look at what I found. a genuine Idaho snowplow. Storms let up a bit. Think we'll be able to get on our way before too long. Good thing, too. Running low on diet soda. And so, a short time later, the group gathered and gave thanks as they celebrated three births. With the final amen, Hyru and Danny provided even more joy as they set up that little pine tree in the aisle, illuminated with pen lights, while decorated with several diet soda cans and a plethora of Danny's beautiful paper crates.