001good evening one a Victorville SD superintendent schools is thank you for responding to our invitation to parent University tonight and this is actually the first parent University this year but we have a very important topic to share with you in a very energetic presenter to deliver it so I'd like to introduce mr. George Scott who is a licensed family and marriage counselor but also a former administrator of special education department for a school district and George have been actively involved throughout the state on traumatic loss and suicide prevention and he formally presented to our administrators this summer and our staff at the beginning of the school year and his message was so well received that we wanted to bring it to the community so our community members and families could hear the powerful message he
002has to share us so with that I introduce mr. George Scott [Applause] sometimes you wind up either personally or professionally having an experience that changes you well that happened to me five-and-a-half years ago at the time one of the things that I was involved in or part of my professional life was something called the traumatic loss coalition and fortunately throughout New Jersey every county has a coalition and we have a responsibility for training on suicide awareness and suicide prevention really good thing to do but secondly we also respond to youth organizations and schools if something terrible happens because when there is a big emotional event in the lives of kids or adults who care for kids it has a ripple effect and it can be very hurtful well five and a half years ago I
003was the coordinator for the Monmouth County traumatic loss coalition and one Sunday evening I got a call my cell phone from the superintendent who I knew who we had worked together before and he called to say hey listen can you come to our district tomorrow morning because one of our thirteen year olds took his own life it was a horrible experience for that community and part of what we do is we go and we have protocol that we follow and we we help people get through it for the next three days three weeks three months well that was an event that changed me and I still can't figure out why I mean it wasn't my first response it wasn't my first suicide response I'd been part of the coalition for a very long time but
004here was the event that happened in my head and I want to kind of propose it to you as a question because it's going to talk about this this evening as I was driving home now I live in Mercer County so I was coming across 195 West going from Haslett small mommoth community to where I live in Ewing normally there's radio on music playing something this effort to decompress not that day and that's what felt different in Act it was so quiet that I was just in my head asking myself this question George how is it even possible that between a child's birth and thirteen years they can't do tomorrow how's that even possible and who we are and what we have and where we live and how we live how do any of our
005babies get to the point where they can't do tomorrow well it was a haunting question so I spent the second X several days several weeks several months really doing a lot of research because what I wanted to find out is not just the answer to that question but why does it seem like so many of our kids struggle and we got to talk about what those struggles are I want to talk about what kids need because you can make a decision whether or not you're providing it for your children or your grandchildren or your nieces or nephews whatever motivates you to be here what is it that kids need what what can go wrong and then what can we do about it if it goes wrong because if you can't walk out of here tonight
006with the better understanding of how to keep your kid healthy then I had missed my mark usually I say to parents hey listen how many of you as a goal for your children want your kids to be happy how many raise your hand if you want your kids to be happy yeah that's pretty universal right no matter where I go parents want their kids to be happy and what I say is are you willing to trust me enough to take that to number two see I don't think that should be number one I think that should be number two because number one I think should be let's see what we can do to help our kids be healthy see happy kids can't sustain the happiness but healthy kids will always get resilient enough they will
007always bounce back enough to be able to kind of find the joys in life so remember we got in three places tonight what do kids need what could go wrong and what we can do about it I had the real pleasure last week of being in this auditorium with half of the staff and then in the morning I was over at the high school just packed with teachers and it was really thrilling for me to see them want to know what could they do better and different for the kids that you send them for your babies that you sent to school and it was really just a thrilling opportunity for me to take a look at this topic so let's see where this goes so here's a here's a statement that has always kind of
008intrigued me and I want to explain it to you in the way that I explained it to your teachers and your support staff the way that you understand your child's behavior determines what you do about it interpretation of it drives your intervention your reaction your response and if it's a missing but interpretation if you get the interpretation wrong then the what you do misses the mark so what we want to be sure of let's be patient and try to understand what our kids are telling us see I'm not quite sure what's going on in that that little one's mine I'm going to interpret he doesn't look happy I'm not so sure why I don't know about this young man is that a bad report card it's girlfriend break up with them same here and same
009here it doesn't matter their age it doesn't matter your culture because kids are universal in the way that they respond to life the emotional needs of kids so so how do our kids tell us what they need well they have two ways they can tell us with their words that looks like that or that one of the things that we always look for is tell me tell me let's talk even that is telling me with your words it doesn't look like a very young man but I kind of like the fact that that that the teacher is just kind of there waiting for him to get reconnected so they can tell us with our words or they show us with their behavior no words needed I'm gonna come back and address that picture a little
010bit later because it has to do with maybe a burning question that you have about the issue of social media and video games there's a lot out there in the press there's a lot out there on the airwaves about that but I want you to take a look at a little guy let's say third grade maybe fourth grade that he is so dysregulated that whatever it is that he's supposed to achieve in that in that game has him over the top and we see that with our kids and we just have to be careful about that so impatient of those faces drives what we do about it however we don't always understand his moms and dads we like to tell them we know everything we always have the answers but we don't we don't always
011understand and portion for us in the absence of understanding sometimes human beings suffer and sometimes they die now that's pretty dramatic right like who came out on a cold night just to hear somebody talk about bad stuff that could happen but that's true in the absence of understanding let me give you an example there are two conditions that if we don't understand them if we don't understand the negative effect of lead in the water if we don't understand the the negative effects of of nicotine in our lungs of smoking products of vaping which is not just vapor it's on nicotine based if we don't understand the negative effect and our kids will suffer and maybe in your family there has been someone who died there's a couple of more asbestos same thing and then there's
012the effects of toxic stress it's the stressors that build up and build up and build up and build up and they're in your house and they're in my house and they're in our schools manage that we have to understand it if we don't understand the effects of toxic stress sometimes our babies suffer and sometimes they die so what about the effects not only on your kids also going to personalize this and we're going to talk about you right there where you're sitting bringing your toxic stressors with you but who kind of live stress-free lives that's universal as well I want my kid to be happy and oh my god my stress is terrible universal truths so in the absence of adult understanding the lives of some of our kids they change dramatically now that mom
013and dad have no idea that the toxic stress in that household lays rate on that kid take a look at that little girl's face you will notice in these pictures and I didn't notice this until after I had crafted this when your highly stressed one of the things you do is try to hold your head on like it's gonna pop off you can see that right my head's going to fall off if I don't hold it on see there's another one because when they're they reach a tipping point and they're dysregulated and they can't manage the feelings and manage the emotions that's another example of that there's another one for that little girl and it doesn't matter what age because what we know is our middle school kids and our high school kids or absorbing
014a lot of pressure s and let me tell you a secret sometimes were the cause of it I know nobody was expecting me to lay that out there yeah sometimes unexpectedly inadvertently not on purpose we're not mean people but sometimes we keep up toxic stressors on our babies and we just need to carefully look at that because your interpretation of what's going on drives your intervention so for some people talk begins very early in life even that little woman's holding this head on because he's just overwhelmed by the stressors wait there's a there's a store here that I want to tell you one of the researchers I found after I did that work down there in Monmouth County mission by the name of dr. Nadine Burke Harris see she's a pediatrician in the San Diego
015area and she was beginning to be stumped by all of the illnesses that the kids in the community of an impoverished community were bringing to her and she knew that it was more than just write prescription after prescription and she tells this story it's a story about a bear well not that bear that bear and this goes like this imagine you on a very nice somewhat cool autumn day decide you're going to go for a walk in the woods now I'm gonna make this a fantasy by saying you don't have your phone with you fantasy because you always have your phone with you but if you really want to enjoy this walk in the woods you'll leave your phone at home and as you're walking down this trail across the trail comes that bear immediately
016there's a part of your brain that's going to kick into survival mode and here's what happens you don't have to think about this immediately you see that bear and you stop and your heart starts to pump your heart rate is up your blood pressure is up because you want blood in two big muscles of your legs because you may have to run it may make you stronger because you may have to fight the other thing that happens is your respiration is up you need oxygen in the blood your body's getting ready to to survive this your pupils they dilate they get very small so you can keep keep your eye on the danger and then you start scanning and you start looking for exits in case you need it running all within parts of a
017second you didn't have to think about it you know we're gonna talk about this part of your brain called the prefrontal cortex this is the problem-solving thinking smart part of the brain thank goodness we weren't using that here's what it would look like oh my I think that's a bear I've seen videos of bears I don't know whether that's a brown bear or a black bear well the time you go through all of that that bear comes over and gobbles you up done we don't want to use that we want to use this automatic stress response to survival system now let's imagine that that bear keeps on going because it doesn't smell you and it doesn't see you within seconds your whole system recalibrates you're taking deep breath heart rate down blood pressure down respiration
018down you may be a little shaky because you got cortisol flowing through your body now you haven't burned it all up but within seconds your stress response system your survival system recalibrates pretty amazing pretty amazing so if you come across a bear in the woods but what if the bear actually lives in the kids home what if that's the bear so let's go back and see there's that automatic survival system still kick in yep does it operate the same way yep but here's the difference for that little one her system never clicks off it never recalibrates it never shuts down because she lives with the bear I say to the teachers what if you're the bear what if the Bears in school or in the classroom what it means is for some of our children
019who always feel threatened and at high danger their system never ever shuts down remember that it can begin very early in a baby's life well what about this how early in a baby's life is that so let me tell you about that situation so what we know is this any one of those moms and they live in a highly charged dangerous situation for just for the sake of description let's just call it a domestic violence situation and that mom stress response system is always on she's always pumping cortisone adrenaline because she needs to be on guard for danger well what it means for that baby is that baby's system gets highly charged and when that baby is born here's some of the things that we can expect from infants born under those circumstances irritable they
020don't soothe hard to get them to sleep sometimes they don't nurse well sometimes they get into projectile vomiting because their whole system is triggered because even as an infant their stress response system is kicked in because of moms environment so one of the things to tell you one of the things that we'll be talking about is environment we're going to be talking about your environment where you grew up we're gonna be talking about the environment that you're in charge of in your home and we're gonna be talking about the environment that the East Brunswick School District creates for its babies from preschool through high school toxic Dennis so what are they well here's some now I do have to say I'm not a resident of East Brunswick so let me conclude that none of this
021stuff happens in East Brunswick it happens everywhere else but in this community we just know that life can be really complicated and really difficult there are lots of stressors and here are some of the things that we're going to break down and we're going to talk about so for a 13 year old who died and I said hey listen if we if we come back down here there's lots of other stuff that are red flags that we should worry about to see whether or not our kids are healthy or not I'm not even at sea like for instance why is it that there's priests in a number of kids drinking and drugging to numb the pain why are they in so much pain emotionally that they need to numb it at such a young age
022why is it creasing our alcohol use and marijuana use why is that it's just a question and how about this but this cutting and burning to relieve the hurt most moms and dads when they see this they get freaked out they get scared they get angry and they begin to yell at their kid and what the kids are looking for if it's not going to be a marijuana or alcohol they need to create some kind of relief in their system a charged stress and believe it or not cutting yourself does that releases endorphins kids will tell me in the office they will say you know I'd rather feel the physical pain to feel the emotional pain you know what they will say they would say you know what but when I'm bleeding at least I
023know I'm alive because I feel empty most of the time why why are our kids there now it's not just Cuddy and that's typically female but it can be male males can cut too but it's also head-banging moms and dads will report that they'll hear this boom boom boom as their kids are really anxious and really upset and they're sitting in the room on the floor back against the wall just banging the back of their head to calm their body down recently past few years they've added another one to the list and that's mostly males and moms and dads will say you should see his bedroom because when he gets really angry at us he punches the wall in there holes in the wall another one of these efforts to calm oneself how about these
024guys failing of immense potential I love this picture for a couple really significant reasons remember interpretation drives intervention you know as a director student sir through hundreds and hundreds of IEP meetings and meetings with moms and dads they're there they're just begging and fighting for everything they can get for their kid because their kid it's really smart they're not doing well and the teachers are really trying to apply their own magic still not doing well because some of our kids systems are so overwhelmed I know you want to go right on to the learning disabled I'm not there I'd been there for 30 years I'm not there what I'm at is those words that halo that kids head because I got to tell you this that child did not pick those words for himself I
025had a 15 year old in my office I'll call him Bobby Bobby was there as mom and dad mom and dad were worried about him because his grades started to fall apart he started they found marijuana in his room so he did a little bit of work just finding out what's going on and then I asked say would it be okay if mom and dad left I'll be asleep you question it's just the two of us here what's your theory about yourself you gotta be thinking about yourself a lot I don't think you're happy with the way the grades are you don't like being in trouble with your folks you don't like feeling like you're a disappointment so what's your theory what's your thinking so there was this pause and he had his head down
026he shrugged his shoulders you ever see that behavior and then he said this I guess it's just that I'm lazy I said Wow lazy did you like go through a dictionary or a thesaurus looking for that word how'd you go why that word why did you find that word to call yourself he said I didn't so when you just told me he said yeah but that's that's what my dad always always calls me when I don't do well in school here's the heard about that word it's not gonna leave him when he's a young adult or an adult it becomes this thing called a negative narrative it's how he describes himself we got to stay away from those words we can be we can be curious we can be upset we can be bothered but
027if we're gonna lay these heavy words these negative words these ugly words on our kids they're gonna carry it and actually it's going to contribute to more to their unhappiness let's just be careful with that and then there's this this guy you can't regulate the emotion one little thing happens and he melts down but see that can be at any age because that could be also be that young lady unable to regulate emotion they get a b-minus they get an a-minus and and and they they go over the top they just explode and the teachers can't figure it out unable to regulate that emotion isolation one of the absolute requirements for human beings to survive is called attachment be connected to significant trusted healthy adults that baby lays on mom that's when attachment begins and
028that creates a wonderful brain safety moms and dads who who just keep that harsh negative everything away from their baby creates attachment but that happens throughout our whole lives we need attachment come on think about it think about the first person you fell in love with it couldn't wait to be attached what that looked like face nobody ever used a yucky face when you're out on your first date oh that's a real word you know in the research it's called having a yuck face it's kind of the face that some of you still have and on 20 minutes and you still got a young face on that was a joke just lighten up a little bit but it's the face that you have when you disapprove of what your kids are doing and they look
029at your face and they say what what what the day what did I do because it's here now in school it matters because what we say the teachers is kids that have been living with the bear are highly sensitive to what you're telling them about them right here and therefore we got to be careful because attachment is critical and isolation is a red flag that says something's wrong something's going on kids will say I don't know I don't know where George is really doesn't hang out with us anymore we don't ever see them not a good sign doesn't come to the dinner table oh by the way one of the things that you can do the positive things is have dinner together with everybody around the same table at the same time I know it's
030impossible well do something impossible and create that environment for your babies that's how you get reconnected that's how the family reattaches that's how you have conversation because that is not a good outcome for kids also this flick ting harm on others a researcher that I found that I loved her name is Sondra bloom bloom has written these books around sanctuary right don't you love that the sanctuary the safe place to be and what she says is this hurt people hurt people healthy people don't hurt people they don't need to whether that's a online bullying whether that's a parent bullying whether that's a kid bullying or whether that's a school shooter hurt people hurt people that's another thing that we have to be careful of this level of anger and animosity that our kids are showing
031bonnie in trying to end their lives we get closer to that young boy down there it becomes hopeless nobody intervenes we just think it's kids being kids and then kids as young as ten in New Jersey dying by suicide that's just heavy stuff but we know what it looks like and we know what the contributing factors are and we about it that's the good news we know what to do about it so in the absence of understanding remember yes human beings suffer and die so let's look here's something else I found this is where you get a little opportunity to kind of go in your head and do an evaluation of yourself back in the 90s there was a research team both from CDC and also from permanent a a huge hospital organization at West
032and they were doing some research study and they wanted to find out an answer to this question does a toxic environment that's what we're talking about tonight right toxic environment does a toxic environment can it result in obesity so because they were connected to the hospital system with permission they interviewed 17,500 people they found the answer to the question was yes it is a contributing factor to obesity when you're constantly under stress errs and your cortisol is constantly pumping and number two oh my goodness so much more so let's find out what it is here's what you need to do they're gonna be ten questions yes or no answer them for you birth to your 18th birthday keep a score you get a point for all the yeses you get no points for the nose
033here's the first one did a parent or adult in the household often or very often swear at you insult you put you down humiliate you or act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt did you grow up in your own nest where there was chronic humiliation and put-downs a if that was your experience you get a one but here's the payoff if that's the experience you're having now in your own nest you know it's interesting ten questions right think about it 17,500 people ten questions when the researchers looked at the data they were equally distributed among all ten with one exception one of the questions had a higher yes response that's it chronic humiliation number two data peridot in the household often or perhaps even very often push you
034grab you slap you throw something at you or ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured did it migrate from to go you would get a one if that was your experience here's number three that an adult or any person at least five years older than you were ever touch fondle you have you touched their body in a sexual way attempt or actually have oral anal or vaginal intercourse with you if that happens the one but if that was your experience now you either have a 0 a 1 a 2 or 3 here's number 4 did you very often feel that no one in your family loved you or thought you were important or even thought you were special or your family didn't look out for each other didn't feel close
035to each other didn't support each other you kind of felt like it raised yourself just detached number 5 did you often or very often feel that perhaps you didn't have enough to eat or you had to wear dirty clothes clothes or you had no one to protect you your parents were too drunk or too high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it did you live in an environment as a child as a baby in the nest in which the adults because of their own stuff couldn't pay attention to you now the first five who may have experienced yourself directly the second five is what we call you bear witness to it you weren't the target but it was the environment in which you lived anyway question number
036six where your power ever separated or divorced now I'm going to put a pause I'm going to push the pause button I'm gonna make a point with you folks and I make this very heavy with teachers as a marriage and family therapist I understand what divorce is all about I sit with plenty of couples who either going to divorce wondering if they should divorce they're trying to work out their stuff I get that I also know the data that 50 to 53 percent of married couples in this country will divorce I get that I know that but don't ever normalize it don't don't ever make it like what's the big deal because we do that sometimes as moms and dads we do that I'm not suggesting that shouldn't be some some marriages that come apart
037because it's healthier for everybody I'm not suggesting that I'm not so uninformed to believe that but I don't think that we should ever dismiss the negative impact on kids give me an example let's suppose hypothetically there's a mom and dad and they haven't been doing well for for a very long time and they argue a lot and all the stuff that you would expect in a family where there's high toxic stress and they got a little one he's 10 years old his name is George and mom and dad finally say you know what we just can't do this we we need to tell George that we're gonna get a separation of we're going for divorce dad said I know but it's just so hard to talk about they said hey we got to do it
038hey listen Georgie come here pal mom mom and I need to talk to you now George is already a little on edge because this is weird they never do this have a seat pal mom and dad sit and dad says um hey listen Georgie you know that mom and I have been struggling a lot right I mean it's not your fault either George we keep telling you that this is about mom and I and it's been really hard for us and for you so one of the things that a mom and I want to tell you is I got in this apartment no dad no no don't tell me that no I'm not gonna listen to that Georgie wait calm down pal we it's gonna be all right I promise you mom and I love
039you very much it's going to be okay no daddy please please George we think about Joey Joey's mom and dad they're divorced and what about Sarah her mom and dad are not together Georgie when you think about it aren't there a lot of a lot of your friends and you know what's going on in George's head yeah but it's not my family what about my family what about the fact that you blew up my family there again I'm not suggesting that it unhealthy couple should stay together but what I'm suggesting is don't normalize that fact because it can be terribly hurtful to our babies number seven was your mother maybe your grandmother maybe your stepmother the maternal figure in your home did you ever bear witness to the fact that she was often pushed grabbed
040slap had something thrown at her sometimes often she was kicked or bitten her hit with the fist or hit with something hard every bit Pete Earley hit for at least a few minutes threatened with a gun or a knife verbally berated physically berated did you bear witness to that number eight lived with anyone who was a problem drinker or an alcoholic or somebody who used street drugs an adult in the house create an environment that as a child it was difficult for you to manage number nine was a household member depressed or perhaps mentally ill that a household member attempt suicide was there a suicide in the family I know and our culture is so shameful which we were really in denial about the about the effects of mental health but we can we can
041deal with that in that environment you get a one number ten that a household member go to prison 17,500 people respond to to those 10 questions now you have an ASA score it's your ASA score it's either a zero anywhere up to a ten well let's see what it means to have an ASA score the tipping point is four and if you have a zero one two or three yeah there's still some stuff that could happen to you as an adult but if you got a four or more here's what we have to be careful of and here's where I want you to think about you but I also want you to think about your babies in this school district because there's a likely going to be an increased risk of poor academic performance violations
042of classroom rules increases in discipline disruptive classroom behavior detentions and suspensions a four or more it spikes that negative behavior just can either tell you what's going on or they can show you that they had a four coming out of that nest and we know any one of those four that's possibly what we can see how about this their lifetime there's twice as likely at developing cancer let me explain that anybody with a score of four or more in their lifetime their body is going to develop a cancer somewhere twice as likely as if you had a score of zero remember that shaking tremor here because if you live in a high toxic environment where that system never clicks off your organs marinate in cortisol and adrenaline and over time god bless you cancer develops
043there are three places folks where your body holds your attention think about this I think about your children only three places in this whole body where you hold your toxic stress there's a number one in your head and your neck and your shoulders your headache people this always hurts number two and what I like to do when I'm with teachers to say hey ask the nurse what are the two most frequent complaints the kids get out of class to go see the nurse number one they got a headache and number two they had a bellyache and what you'll see at home is not just a bellyache you'll see your kids complaining about diarrhea and constipation their gut is just squeezed with toxic stress now I do need to tell you that in the research that
044I've done I've come to the conclusion it's a problem across the country what's my research i watch TV and i watch commercials I'm not gonna ask you if you're on Linds s or a probiotic or antibiotic or any other biotic but what I know is pharmaceuticals only sell products that they could move and gut products are really big oh there's a third place head gut and when you get older in your 40s and 50s it's right here you'll develop pulmonary problems or you would develop heart disease so what we know is those kinds of conditions that we live in bathe our body in these hormones that are supposed to be on and off to save us and instead they're toxic to us there's the pulmonary illnesses we see it in kids asthmatic kids we take
045a look at the stress factors because it sits right here we can also see immune system illnesses psoriasis because the skin is an organ increase in acne for kids that are highly stressed whether it's school or whether it's the nest you can see the body responding to the stressors and an increased struggle with personal and work-related relationships people with a four or more don't do other people well yeah he said I know I'm on my fifth marriage what's wrong with those women yeah probably isn't the women because you don't do relationships what else does it look like well what else it looks like is kids don't hold jobs very well because they don't like the rules then like the boss that only coming in on time they don't like seven o'clock and they don't they
046don't like the fact that they can't be on their phone they don't do rules well with kids with a four or more childhood developing depression is 46 times greater with a four than it is with a zero we see an uptick you may see it in your own family among your own kids nieces and nephews just deep overlong sadness Wow and a risk of suicide just twelve hundred percent with a score of four more see now that piece of data pulled me back to my response down in monmouth county as this this has been replicated over and over and over again for the person for the past twenty five years and the outcomes are always the same that when these things are a part of our nest the human beings in that nest don't do
047well here are some other aces factors and when i say other they were the first 10 of the original and now different communities based upon factors in the community have slipped in other instance the death of a parent or the death of a sibling hi ASA score poverty huge kids in poverty don't have the internal infrastructure to tolerate a lot the other is community violence I follow Philadelphia because they've got a great public hell program on aces so it's not a school program it's an everybody program and what they know is some of the communities are high violets and high poverty and what we know is those kids have high aces scores and the outcome is not gonna be good unless we do something we recognize it and we do something peer rejection not the
048not the lack of friends your kid will tell you I got lots of friends the research tells us in our lifetime we have about a hundred and fifty friends your kids will say I got 800 friends on Facebook now friends connections voices tags and peer victimization when the bear lives in the school or the bear lives in the house because that can also be sibling can be a bear kid with those with those behaviors that kid will be referred by the teacher to the parent who will refer to the pediatrician who will declare them to be ADHD and will give a medication because we medicate everything you get Lenz s for your belly and you get concerta if you have those behaviors and I'm not suggesting there's no such thing as ADHD what I'm suggesting
049is if the nest has a high ASA score you're gonna see that anyway if we can adjust the nest behavior we can bring that back down here's what need this is what you need there's the attachment safe connection now we can't do a lot of hugging anymore in schools because of all the creepy stuff that has gone on but we try to make some connection with fist bumps and hands on shoulders you can still hug your kids six last January note this January past I was doing a presentation back up in my community and one of the pieces of data I had that came out was that in order for a hug to be significant it's got to last for 20 seconds that's what the researchers say so you guys that do bro hugs bro
050hugs don't work it's gotta last for 20 seconds so in the audience that I was a superintendent that I happened to like a lot I saw him two weeks later he said hey hey come here I said yeah he said you know that 20 second hug thing I said uh-huh he said well that night I went home he said now I got a fourteen-year-old daughter she's always up in a room said yo Kelly could you come down here please dad I'm doing homework I know baby but just come down I just want to see you just for a minute Kelly comes down the steps and the dad grabs her and hugs her what does she do stop this is creepy leave me alone he says wait 17 18 19 20 okay you can go back
051upstairs and I said and he said two nights later she wanted another hug kids want to be connected when they know it's out of safety and love and caring they want to be touched in a safe way think about it in your adult relationships don't you like to be hugged isn't it nice when somebody hold your hand when you're going through tough times and somebody says can I sit with you attachment it's critically important they need emotional safety if you're the bear stop if you have a high ASA score yourself it's gonna be really hard for you to stop being the bear if you've got a high ASA score you think back to your mom and dad's house that's where that nest created see the book is called it didn't start with you that's the
052stuff that passes down generation to generation to generation and parenting emotionally safe soothing and calming adult behavior soothing and calming so that when the great isn't good it's still soothing and calming when they break her for you you can discipline but it's soothing and calming and my guess is that maybe that is not the way it always is science now tells us that it's the reliable presence of a one supportive adult relationship that really matters and it may not be you I hope it is you I hope in the life of your children that you're the significant consistent soothing adult behavior and if you're not then pray that somebody else will be who might that be grandparent pastor Imam coach counselor teacher and if you think about it and maybe even in your life maybe
053your maybe your hiatus score you did well because some somebody was there to have your back wasn't it - about a few years ago that I realized now my mom and dad were really cool people but they had their own stuff they grew up with their own stuff but I grew up in a house with my grandfather and he always had my back let me give you an example I'd be at the dinner table because we always dinner together as soon as my dad was done dinner he'd be gone he'd be in front of the TV mom would go next and I'm there my grandfather's there but I'm there because I don't like lima beans and my mom said you ain't leaving the room until you eat your lima beans I said mom I don't
054like lima beans she said George you gotta like them they're good for you I knew what you just can't get up until they're gone she believed my grandfather would say give me your lima beans he would eat them mom would come back in she would say see that wasn't so bad was it I say nope that wasn't bad at all she never knew that he was had my back in my lima beans one significant trusted adult it sounds silly but it matters they're always glad to see you they always smile at you they're always giving you a hug one significant trust that adult safety means this it means safe classrooms physically and emotionally safe homes physically an emotion it means nurturing those attachments having dinner together enjoying being there company I know they resist you
055guys are up against a whole lot with these devices and and social media I know I know I dunno I dunno but you're powerful your parents Superman and superwoman if you go about it the right way you can pull your babies closer with your compassion and your heart and your consistency in your persistency in ways that you may even surprise yourself avoid shame and embarrassment that's the worst that goes back to that number one of aces chronic humiliation no human being likes to be shamed someone let me test it out anybody here like to be shamed because I'll I'll kind of lay one on you here for a second anybody of course not who wants to be shamed let's do it a different way anybody willing to tell us about the worst thing they've ever
056been a part of in your life who's gonna do that shame and embarrassment shuts us down so therefore the more you added on remember those words that halo around that kid you're stupid you'll never amount to anything I should never have had you anyway you've been a burden ever since you were born kids tell me that parents say that shame embarrassment hurtful avoiding those negative judgments the harsh language being predictable if you're all over the place it's not good for the nest never never giving up ever ever ever and always believing that it's possible to change always always no matter what the circumstance the first value stablished is safety how do you make your nest safe let me click through this what's an adult to do number one manage your own crap sorry baggage crap
057kind of says it out there it says baggage manage your own stuff it's not your kids fault because of what you live through how can you and your partner you and your spouse work that out and protect your kids from it put on down break the cycle understand that kids chronic challenges let me point this out challenges are different than stressors we've been talking about negative stressors now the offset of stressors is resiliency right you're powerful it's like a shield it's like I can bounce back no matter what happens I've got somebody on my side I'll do better I'll persist but kids don't develop resiliency unless we give them opportunities to do that so don't please don't raise your hand I'm not asking you to divulge anything there used to be something called helicopter parents
058right parents are always hovering over their kid but now they've kind of changed their tactic and now they're kind of like snowplow parents they don't want there to be anything in their child's way no bumps no potholes no nothing they only what their kid to be happy but it's being able to navigate life and feeling disappointment that develops resiliency it's you being allowing your children to let me tell you what goes on in my neighborhood in Mercer County we have families where there's the bus stop and they live two doors away and every morning they get in the family car and they drive to houses to the bus stop and then mom waits with them and then she videotapes every interaction in case her kid gets bullied so she can tell it to the principal
059if we don't give our kids the skills the social skills to survive and if they don't have an opportunity to practice it we've actually made it more difficult for them several years ago when my girl when my daughter was young there was a knock on the door and I opened the door and there was this guy standing there and and he said are you George Scott I said I am I said who are you he said well my name is Don I'm from the Soccer League I said oh he said I understand you just signed your daughter Megan up for soccer so we did we're really excited about that he said great I'm really excited about that too I listen I'm just stopping by to welcome you to the Soccer League oh and to ask
060if you'd be a coach well I'd laughed and said Don you don't understand I don't know anything about being a coach he said yeah yeah don't worry about that see these videotapes that I have if you if you watch these videotapes you'll be fine so I go back in the kitchen and my wife at the time says hey who was that said well that was Don what did he want just to welcome us to the soccer league because we signed Megan how nice she said I said oh and he wants me to be a coach and she said you don't know anything about being a coach and I said yeah but I got these videotapes I will be a coach three years later I was the president of the girls soccer league I'm not quite
061sure how that happened but I know that it was easier than being a coach and here was my job at the end of the season those of you that have your kids in sports at the end of the season there's a pizza banquet we would go to the firehouse my board said to me hey you have a job your job is at the end of the pizza banquet be in the back of the firehouse and as the families come out say two things George just say two things great season be sure to sign up next year I said I can do that so I did that for several years then one year I'm standing back there and up the center aisle comes that little girl she had to be seven she had a dad over
062here and a mom over here and she was sobbing and I'm saying in my head those two statements are not gonna work with this family have a good season or sign up next year what am I going to say I don't have to worry about that as they got closer to me that dad with the biggest heart in the world leaned over his daughter and said it's okay sweetheart I'll buy you a trophy not being able to manage the disappointment we'll practice together we'll get better next year we'll buy you a trophy that's the snowplow parent that takes away every opportunity to develop resiliency without resiliency our kids suffer they suffer if you lose your temper apologize right away I know that's a big deal for some of you but the way it works let
063me define apology Paul Jay has three things I'm sorry for what I did number two it was my fault that's on me number three is there anything I can do to make sure we're gonna be okay going forward three pieces that's what an apology is this is this example with the teachers you can extrapolate it out to to your own kids but I said hey listen I imagine this teacher says like on a Friday morning said hey listen Stevie can I see you outside in the hallway before class starts he said listen Steve he said I'm yesterday before we left I don't like what I said to you I think it was insulting I didn't mean it to be insulting I think it was insulting and I think it was embarrassing because I heard kids
064laugh Steve listen I just want to know before we start class she's number one I am really sorry for what I did and number two that was all about me I just want to make sure you and I are okay that's the apology that's how it works let me tell you how it usually goes Stevie can I see in the hallway please hey listen remember yesterday at the end of the class I think I was really rude toward you and and you know Stevie actually I wouldn't have been rude if you had been in your seat doing what you were supposed to do it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't lost my temper that wasn't an apology own it when you screw up on it when you get it wrong when you yell when you're
065inappropriate apologize make it okay with your babies validate normalize emotions you don't have to condone their behavior but you gotta honor the fact that they're angry upset hey listen I get it you're really upset because I took your phone you're really upset because you can't go to the party I'm not gonna put out that kind of money for a new for a new whatever I get that you can be upset but you can't kick the door down I don't condone the behavior but I can dome the emotions that makes for a very healthy interaction strengthen attachments secure the bonds make your connection with your babies powerful always safe and open always think about calming and if you can do some mindfulness or yoga you can do moments of just calming sitting in the park quietly
066put them in your schedule so when you're concerned how about this tell your kids say I'm really worried about you and and if I have a role in this Georgie let me know but gosh you know you when you were in eighth grade you were doing really well in ninth grade you're not off to a good start can we have a conversation about that tell them you're concerned number two call the school counselor say listen it's probably about me but I'm really worried about my kid I'm not quite sure what to do next can I can I come in and sit down and talk with you your school counselors would love that you would they would love that they want to partner with you so that the kids get the best number three ask for
067the names of private counselors if your kid is really doing some dangerous stuff if your kid has some of those higher ASA scores don't let it go won't heal itself he'll all wounds time does not heal it conceals time conceals it stuffs it down deeper it will come out later in their lives speak with their kids physician if you need to and if you as a mom or dad have a gut feeling that there's something more there than stay in it with your school folks stay in it so who's your support team you can't do this alone parenting is too darn hard who's your support team here's some folks they're both in the school and they're in the community if your kid is so absorbed in their gaming what we know now there's enough research
068coming out now that it's probably likely not healthy well it's just a game that's what it's called but it's different let me give you an example let me pick call of duty let me pick for tonight sound familiar so here's what happens when your kids are in a game the game designers are geniuses they create these game scenarios that actually pull your kids in and here's what happens Noro biologically remember the bear if your kid is inside of a game because that's where they are it's a virtual but they're in it and it's a life-and-death game in other words if they don't kill they're gonna be killed their brain doesn't know it's a game their brain is all charged up on adrenalin and cortisol they got to survive and then if your kid loses and
069gets killed they go off the rocker in their room they throw things kick things they yell and scream they curse at you they say leave me the F alone you know it's true you don't have to acknowledge it because I hear the stories from other moms and dads those games I'm not suggesting should be banned oh my goodness I'm not going to get into the politics of that but what I'm saying is when your kid isolates when you see your kids behavior that way there needs to be some methods and measures to be able to begin to limit their exposure to it you'd limit their exposure to asbestos you limit their exposure to vaping you can limit their exposure to that too because it's not good for the brain or for the body call your
070school folks and talk about it we can't longer ignore it we can't the research is just clear it's not junk science we know how the brain works what is it that our kids need they need soothing and calming attention delivered by adults who are healthy and calm if you're not there yet you can be there I would love it in fact there's a book group I know going on about some of this stuff because I should I think I have a couple slides of resources for you but we could also do stuff around adults and being able to manage your own stopping creating a nest that is healthier for your children so who do you think is going to begin well dr. Seuss said this unless someone there's a whole awful lot nothing is going
071to get better it's just not it's just not when I went to Monmouth that day and myself coming home is that can't happen I don't know what to do about it but I know this my background in education my background in mental health I got to be able to sit with moms and dads and teachers I got to be able to sit with kids and say hey let me just explain me how this works because then you got some reason to make some good changes in your life because if nothing changes nothing changes yeah made it just come out tonight for some reason you read the blurb and said hmm you got a call from your teacher and said well maybe this is really important information make the investment of your heartbeats tonight your time
072tonight make the investment worthwhile he's in your nest because I believe that you can do that I just believe it here's his sources that's one of the books I are we going to can they have access to this PowerPoint is going to be a will put on the website or something that way you'll have access to the slides Donna Jackson's book on aces called childhood disrupted here's the other one this is the one with the bear story the deepest well this is the pediatricians book this is only a beginning and we must help the kids find their way they're looking for us to provide leadership to do that I think for me and then I'll take any question either publicly or I'll wait behind and you can ask it privately one of the things that
073we know is is that the Masters in martial arts the Japanese no matter how many black belts they have have this concept and I have the symbol and the symbol is called show chin and show chin means fresh mind and if you were to talk to the Masters what they say is it doesn't matter what we've done right or what we've done wrong every morning we begin with show chin it's a new day it's a fresh way I want to have a fresh mind to do that that's one of the things I wish for you I am so impressed by the number of you that have come out tonight to hear maybe something that can make a difference in the lives of your babies that may make a difference in your own life I am
074so impressed by that and what I just want to do is to wish you show shin thank you very much for being here if there are any public questions I'd be happy to entertain them they just can't be too difficult don't make it too difficult yeah thank you yes well you know the question was if in fact you're looking for a counsellor for your children how young can your children be um you know we do not we because I'm far away but you can do family work right so that's how you strengthen the relationship between kids and parents and we do play therapy work so even little kids can get at their expression of their frustration upset anger whatever they're feeling through their play and the therapist guides that play and then guides mom and
075dad to understand it so I wouldn't suggest that certainly at - it might not work but three four or five is not too young for kids to begin play therapy I because I have a bias here I'm a family therapist that is that absolutely the best for me to have a mom and dad and the kids in the same room at the same time I love it because that's where healing happens keep this in mind we get hurt in relationships but we heal in relationships they don't have to be the same relationships but that is how it works other comments or questions ma'am should we limit it how many minutes well yes is the answer I think limits are good right because that's a moderation thing I think that if you're already at X then
076you have to kind of Ratchet it back slowly because your kids will have an insurrection and they'll they'll blow up about that if you change it too dramatically and I think that it can bury family the family depending upon the outcome of the kid how much can they manage can they still do responsibilities at home do they still put out the trash and then recycling and and put their laundry laundry basket and all that stuff right and do they still do well enough according to the teacher in school and they still have time to do video games that's the balance for some kids they can not manage more than 20 minutes for some kids they could do 2 hours I think when you start to get 2 hours kids will hate me and I always
077say this to kids I'm ruining your gig I know I am but when you get 2 kids locked in 4 hours and let me make it an aside here I'm looking around the room and we know that 72% of males between the ages of 19 and 38 72 percent of males are gamers which means that some of you are gamers yourselves but it's always about balance and it's always about the the topic what are they gaming on are they building skills or are they trying to survive sorry yes cellphones would go out of date they're not gonna they're not gonna last long I said that once in a conference about Facebook I said Facebook who ever heard of that I can't last that sounds stupid well here it is so social media and phones there
078again it's balance and it's your judgment and it's what you've seen your kids use your kids it's kind of the outcome because there are some really nice things about social media and some horrible things about social media there are some really okay things about phones although I think that we overplay phones let me go back to the healthy and happy I think that we believe that if our kid has a cell phone there they're safer out there maybe not it's whether they can manage it whether or not it gets in the way of their own life right if you need to get to them because somebody's sick or whatever I understand that there are some families that say my kids not getting a cell phone to middle school I'm okay with that too if they
079can work it out in the family so there's not the research doesn't say yes or no and it doesn't say 15 minutes versus 15 hours it doesn't say that what it says that how can the kid manage it how does the family manage it if that becomes your child's only friend that's a problem it's really got to be this issue of balance between real people and social media if they're upset after social media back it off I don't have any problem with parents monitoring their kids social media or text messages I don't I I think it can be really dangerous for kids so I think it's okay if you if the kids understand what your intent is you're not looking to spy you're looking to make sure that they stay safe yeah let me um
080the question was there's apologizing still a good idea when you're disciplining them first of all let's talk about discipline discipline does not equal punishment I'm just waiting for somebody to get up and leave like I've had enough had enough of this guy discipline comes from the word to make a disciple of what it means is to use a moment to teach a skill to practice a skill to get better at the skill so therefore if it's only ever yell scream yell scream then that goes to one of those aces things right that's number one chronic humiliation I can't believe you do this you're such a disappointment oh my god I hate you that's just wrong so if you do something wrong apologize for you can't apologize for them doing something wrong but if you do
081something wrong if you're inappropriate if you say things out of anger and then you go cool down and you say my god what am i doing it's my kid you go back and say hey listen I still feel the same way about what you did but I don't like the way I said it I really apologize for that I apologize for how the message was delivered but it was a good message there's a difference we apologize for when we violate it's called a rupture repair if you rupture a relationship you repair the relationship Oh yes right but but that's not hard to stand over your kid's shoulder and what you can say is hey listen your room is a really nice place to do homework and that's what you tell me you're doing right you're
082using the Chromebook to do homework cool the doors closed but I just want you to know I'm gonna knock at times I'm just gonna come in just to make sure you're okay no you can't do that you don't trust me well I just want you to prove to me that it's you're doing all the homework you said you were doing and then if not we'll figure that out I don't have a problem with that at all not at all yes yes because I don't trust them I don't trust those little buggers because they don't make good social choices now if you've got a kid who's like afraid of social media they're not gonna be out there but I would say hey listen I love you I just got to make sure you're making really good
083decisions daddy you don't trust me all right I love you and I just got to check in on that don't be afraid of your children don't be afraid of your kids don't be afraid of them even when they're five years old don't be afraid of them ma'am get a divorce she wanted to know what if you have a lenient parent and the other one that's pretty strict you guys got to get your crap together because the kids will use that against you they'll play that all the time where are they gonna go they're not gonna go to the rule follower they're gonna go to the parent that says okay one more time just one more time don't tell your dad don't tell your mom you got to have at least consistency you don't have to
084be the same but you got to have because I always tell parents this say look I it would be really nice if most times your philosophy is the same what you're willing to agree to is the same but I allow your individual differences if dad is not home and mom's home mom can make the decision she's the adult in the house by subversive for the dad but if you wind up saying here's what happens sometimes daddy can we go ask your mother well what's wrong with you you're one of the adults in the household Kennan can I go to the sleepover night ask your mother now maybe he's afraid to answer that question because he'll get in trouble with the mother now that's a possibility but you have this consistency between you and adults should
085be able to operate as independent individual adults and if you don't have a conversation go to dinner and get the kids babysitter you go and go to dinner and say hey listen we just need to have this conversation because it's not working for me and it's not working for our kids and I love you but I think that's important that conversation and then if he doesn't listen call me I'll leave you my number I will talk to him see in this a lot of this think about this if you listen to the questions they're all about I'm uncertain what to do what's the right thing to do there isn't a right thing but there's a feeling of reasonableness there's a feeling of I'm gonna use my kids as a barometer we say that all the
086time the kids in the family are the barometer for the weather that goes on in the family so I can kind of tell what's going on based upon my interactions with the kids so therefore don't be afraid of making your decision don't be afraid of calling your school counselor say look I'm stumped what do you think I should do can you get you have any advice who can I talk to the other thing I'm going to do - I'm gonna send the district there's I can't remember what it is right now across my desk comes this um this guy has this website on how parents can assure themselves around issues of social media so if I send it to you somehow you can post it or whatever grab that because it'll be research guidance on
087how you as parents can make decisions about social media that might be helpful ma'am for twins for tweens god bless you why would it be any different for tweens than it is for younger or older teller say hey listen one of the things we noticed this used to work but now I get the feeling you're kind of sneaking I don't want that can we work this out differently what when mom is really upset by what you're doing what is it that I could do with you because I don't like sneaky and I don't like being a but like being the bear I'll tell you a lot of times you can ask the kids what will work for them sometimes kids are more honest than you believe yes bring that up and you can say that
088say listen I'm beginning to lose this trust between us right and here's the reason why this and this and this and this as a mom I'm starting to make what you can do very tight now I'm gonna shorten your leash I don't want to do that how can we work it out so you have kind of the freedom to do the kinds of things you want to do but I'm assured that you're fulfilling your promises to me keep it up don't don't get frustrated by it that works best and you know which also you're doing is you're teaching her how to problem-solve then and negotiate and that that can be a good thing but don't give in persevere don't give in these little buggers I tell you they they can just go on forever comments
089or questions ma'am I'm glad I don't live in your house good that's good thing good but that's a good thing that is a good thing so I don't want to lose that right because many many kids don't play outside or have friends anymore in the neighborhood so that's a good thing so you know the first thing that I thought was is that you can't motivate him because that means bribe him that's not motivation so it really is how can you connect with him in a way that he tells you what's going on remember kids are either gonna tell you or show you so he can kind of give you a clue to what what makes him tick how do you have that conversation in a way or how does somebody perhaps the school counselor have
090that conversation hey listen I was talking to mom and let's see we can figure some things out then we'll have mom come in and we'll figure some things out because motivation comes it's natural when a kid is challenged or it feels competent if he doesn't feel competent it's not gonna do it so motivation really is an intrinsic thing that comes from perhaps some restructuring of the environment is he also when he's in school not motivated does he yeah well yes but that's only half the answer because the other half of the answer is how are you and the teacher on the same page so it's not it's not telling tales it's not complaining feel free to go to the school principal or the assistant principal and say listen I'm just trying to problem-solve this and
091and the teacher sounds like she's over really overwhelmed and overworked what is it that we can do because I I need some help and the teacher seems that she needs some help yeah yeah and it is a process that you go through of having these open conversations well you can share that with the principal as well right in fact the administrators staff here it began tonight by saying I was invited in August 28th to make a presentation similar to this the administration I was so impressed by the willingness of the administrators to take in this information and to figure out how then to implement it in their schools I know that the principal would welcome that conversation don't feel bad it don't feel bad at all and it's not complaining you're worried good night good
092good luck good other comments sir oh you're only allowed one sorry get ready like for bed yeah yeah in the morning okay yeah yeah sugar is a big deal let me just comment about the first one the first comment was is there something that you can do in terms of kind of offering incentives to your kids to get ready for school on time by having privileges at the end of the day for instance um all of that is fine as long as long as you're comfortable with it and it's managed what it would occurred to me when you were asking that is number one this is a really big deal depending upon the age of your kid goodnight drive safely you don't have to be responsible for getting them up in the morning they have
093a phone with an alarm clock on it depending upon their age upper Elementary's even third grade fourth grade fifth grade they should start assuming responsibility for self because if not you get into a tangle with them in the morning get up get up you're gonna you're late for the bus oh my god are you gonna get to school and then you wind up taking them to school so the next morning they're not getting out of bed because you're gonna take them to school we net into the fact that they could be responsible for getting themselves up so that that's part of it right there was something else you said that reminded me of this sleep three things that human beings need sleep number one nutrition number two exercise number three now let me tell you
094about sleep we now know that if you've got a blue screen in front of you it shuts down serotonin in your brain and you won't go to sleep it needs 90 minutes at least sometimes 60 minutes at least sometimes 90 to be off of a screen so that the brain recovers and then you can get the natural sleep benefit of it at night so what that means is no the kids are gonna hate me for this no you can't have your phone in your room they got to be in the cradle in the kitchen plugged in because my worry is is that your friends are texting you and you're not gonna sleep number two if I want you in bed by 10:00 you got to be off of a screen by 8:30 9 let's try
095that let's try for a day or two or three or four or five let's see what happens and you'll see this natural cycle it'll help them get to sleep okay I don't mind incentive stuff at all I don't I I do mind bribes bribes are not healthy that's that's how usually parents get their kids to my office the first time we're gonna go see the therapist I'm not going I'll take you out to dinner okay and I always call him on it because I know that's what gets him there you have a question he's on the phone all the time is that embarrassing you is he embarrassing you right now let me see your phone yeah I know just let me see I'll give it back now he's not on his phone you're going to
096get it back I'm not I'm not keeping it and I'm not giving it to dad that wouldn't be fair that's coming right back to you but I hear dad being worried that he doesn't get enough talk time with you cuz you're here now I'm gonna point out something else here because kids tell me this all the time he can't be on his phone all the time either a lot of kids say I go to my mom or dad to talk to them and ask them a question my mom or dad are on their phone that's not fair dad will say yeah but that's work doesn't matter when you're home with me if we need to attach and connect thank you for giving me this by the way I wasn't trying to trick you but the
097reality is yes I know that there'll be a fight but you work toward this issue of being able to negotiate or say here's why I'm doing it I'll even give you some lead time this won't start until Monday but on Monday this is the way we got to do this in between we can talk about your you don't like it but that's what we're going to do kids will be on their phone all the time yes take a hammer to his phone don't buy him a replacement there's a remedy he can't be on something he doesn't have but we're not willing to do that as moms and dads it's hard it's really hard stuff but the reality is no there's no pill to take there's no elixir there's no special program there's none of that
098those things are addictive sometimes in an okay way somebody meant that meant they mentioned the laptops over here but yes they can be addictive and if you think if your gut says too much then it's how do we get that away from him and we'll build the amount of time if you were embarrassed I apologize for that that's not good shame is not good ma'am yes yes okay yes kids are social beings you know and usually kids don't make friends be either because they don't have the social skills to do that they really have a kind of a kind of a bad view of themselves nobody would want to be my friend who'd want to be my friend or maybe your kid is a really good kid and everybody else there is kind of a
099kid that is always in trouble that'll keep her kid away but you can ask him that it's not healthy it's not healthy to be a loner he doesn't have to have 30 friends but a good friend two three they said change from elementary school is that a change from when he was like six seven eight nine ten or is that the same he always had friends yeah less but he had friends yeah friends are important the social connection is really important ma'am yeah yes yes they don't talk anymore yeah oh it's everywhere I mean I don't know countrywide but it is everywhere when I send that link to you guys so you can grab down on the issue of social media and phones because there are some things I think one of the things that
100we don't do is we don't know how to have conversations with our kids about it that's good I understand I I get that I have two comments it's number one you better hope he goes to college close by so you can do these playdates when he's a freshman in college but here's the real serious comment did that make a difference in their social connection in other words that were they able to sustain that it's just Halloween it was just two weeks ago my question is they probably can't sustain it so then the question is well if that won't work what will work and what you might find is is that I've noticed this and I've talked to kids all the time they're always on texting and they're never on voice it's a real it's a
101real dilemma in a real puzzle I don't think we yet on we the adults understand all the implications of that yes yep and what the date when you say to them hey what's that all about I just made that observation what do they say so the scheduled activity of marching band gave them an opportunity to connect but they won't initiate it on their own you want me actually come up with an answer for that did somebody tell you to ask that question just a stump of me before the evening was over maybe your kids don't like you maybe you got this you got this damn high profile in the community and they're just trying to like oh my god there goes my mother again I don't I I really don't know that but what I
102do know is this I I think that our ability to have honest sincere not heavy-duty conversations with our kids where they might be able to give us some insight can be helpful where we can express to them from our point of view that may not be healthy from their point of view they may be able to point out some fear issue that was the comment over there there's a discomfort so I think the only way to go about is have the conversation I don't think you can motivate them unless you bribe them right I don't think you can motivate kids like what motivates you is this your wife does she motivate you by telling you what to do when you obey careful of course not you pick and choose you do the things you like
103because it's an inter motivation that's internal and that's what we have to find with our kids it could be it could be more and more and more but snow pile parents snow pile parents they created that kids never had to persevere and do the uncomfortable stuff that's a great example I'm not suggesting you are but that's a great example throw yourself under the bus if you want but I'm not going to call thank you very much for your time it was wonderful thank you George as he mentioned we are going to be posting his PowerPoint on our website the links he'll send to us as well as the video that was produced tonight so if anybody could not make it tonight you can point them to the website and they can see the entire presentation
104thank you very much for coming out on such a cold night [Applause] you