Coffee Hour

001hi this is superintendent mike morris thank you so much for being with us at this evening coffee hour uh we're really i'll introduce our guests in a moment but i just want to thank the community uh for the continued feedback we know this is a challenging time especially as the sun is going down quite a bit soon quite a bit earlier and as the weather turns quite a bit colder last week we had the nice reprieve but unfortunately i don't think we'll have that again for a while uh we really want to do sessions and this is the first of hopefully a series where we can communicate collaborate and share ideas and thoughts about how to support our students through the winter months through this coveted winter as it's being called um so tonight we'll

002have two guests uh two guest presenters we're gonna talk for you know probably 20 minutes and then we really want to open up for more interactive dialogue uh and question the answer so we can make sure we're addressing the questions that you all have so with that i'll introduce courtney and sarah and they're here today and they work with us uh through our association with the bright program which we have at our middle school in high school but they work with many different districts uh in the area and they're um really i find very helpful in thinking about this so i'm part facilitator but mostly listener and i may come up with my own questions as we go through it because this is such an important topic for us as we head um into the

003winter so courtney and sarah thank you for joining us we really appreciate you being here this evening and making time in your busy schedule for our community um but why don't i let you introduce yourself and and then you can get started with just some initial thoughts that you want to share sure hi everyone my name is sarah rigney i'm a licensed clinical social worker i live over in florence i'm just across the river from many of you um and i just want to say in addition to being a mental health clinician um for over a decade now i'm also a parent to seven-year-old twins who are also in remote schooling um and so i'm i'm wearing a few different hats tonight um as a clinician as a parent and as someone who's also kind

004of pretty heavily involved with schools courtney uh hi i'm courtney tucker i'm also a licensed clinical social worker i am actually in northampton massachusetts um and today we're gonna be talking to you about you know what what exactly are we going to be working through what happens now as it gets dark as it gets cold how can we prioritize wellness in the midst of experiencing more uncertainty more darkness almost and more lack of connection like this lack of connection has gone on for so long the other thing is bright is building resilient youth and transition and what it is this is a bridge program that helps students stay in school after they've experienced some sort of mental health crisis so it actually provides a transition or a bridge program so that students are able to

005gradually integrate and integrate successfully back into the school so um we're super happy to be joining you tonight um you know mike said that we would talk for a little while i want to let folks know that both courtney and i are really actually super interested to hear from you um and it can be any of the questions you have it can be um things that you're observing in your children and maybe you don't know what to make of them but really we're here to kind of be with you in your journey and answer what questions we have give resources make suggestions um talk through any questions or concerns you have um because what's happening for our kids these days is really significant um even for our youngest ones who who may not fully understand

006everything that's going on um the impact of being out of school is a significant change in their lives and it's a significant change in ours as parents and adults who are close to them so um you know we invite your questions and really hope that you'll engage with us by asking uh talking to us about what thoughts you're having at this point in time courtney anything that you would want to add in terms of other things that we are going to be able to cover tonight so i kind of want to set the context a little bit about what everyone and what we're experiencing right now is i think that initially we would say that we were in the midst initially of just one major storm we would say okay covet 19 hit it changed

007it rattled our world and now we're like okay what's happening and then we begin to see and recognize more of the institutional racism becoming and that was another storm that hit and then we begin the home having kids at home not being able to connect it hit and that became a whole nother storm jobs became another storm and so right now we just want to acknowledge that it may feel like for a lot of adults and children that you're in the midst of a storm that doesn't seem like it's ever going to end and a storm that creates so much uncertainty that it's really hard for you to plan for the next day the next week or the next hour and so just acknowledging that in this time we're sitting in uncertainty we're sitting in

008the unknown we're sitting in a place that creates perpetual anxiety we're lacking connection that allows us to say oh i'm okay or oh i'm gonna be okay it's a time where a lot of our identities we're tied to the things we were able to do and so now who are we how are we going to decide who we are how are we going to grow what's next for us and just also just really acknowledging that during this time there's so much uncertainty that even the people we look to that should have answers for us they're like wait i don't i don't have the answers either and they're like you're gonna have to get back with me right so we're in a time where answers to questions aren't coming we're in a time that that consistency

009isn't there and present for us those benchmarkers that we use to bench out to mark our life like the holidays even like oh if i could just get to thanksgiving i know i'm gonna have a break and it's gonna be well or whoa the christmas holidays is coming can't wait i'm going to hang out with my people i'm going to get my cup filled up and even now we're being told that that's going to be different and so we're in a time that everything that was familiar is different we're in a time where everyone wants to say the new normal but i'm going to say nope it's not new it's next because one day you're you feel like you got a routine some other change happens and you're going into a next normal and so

010you're really sitting right now in a place of uncertainty we are having uncertainty about our finances we don't know what what's going to cost what's not going to cost whether jobs are going to be stable um we're having insecurity also about like whether or not we're even going to get stuff from the grocery store uh right now people are like do i buy all the toilet tissue i can find do i buy all the paper towels i can find you know you send messages hey i found likes here did you find any over there so we're really in this time that you don't know whether or not you need to hoard or wrap your arms around tight some things or let go but in a time where you know the love and the hugs that

011you used to get from loved ones you're not getting anymore the smiles even just going throughout your day you're not seeing them anymore so we're definitely in a context where care is really hard to be shown so we want to acknowledge that i would also add that um one of the things that courtney is um talking about is is a phrase we've been using out and on the bray team is the chronic holding of the unknown right there's an ambiguous quality to our situation that's part of what makes it really hard right like as human beings we're not we're not great at actually dealing with ambiguity we'll take a risk a calculated risk um over ambiguity because at least then we can make an informed decision right but every day feels a little bit new

012and a little bit different and also really static at the same time it's this very um incongruent experience um where it's hard to wrap our head around the fact that nothing's changing and yet everything's changed um and so i just want to also name that that ambiguity is um is a quality we're not necessarily we're not used to experiencing with so much persistence with so much chronicity at this point sorry about that um thank you for that introduction and and uh there's a number of pieces that i took from um what both you what courtney and sarah are saying and um i thought maybe i'd put some prompts out there uh for you to respond to because these are some that i'm certainly receiving from families as is you know faye brady who's in the

013green room here our student service director um as well as principals and teachers and other staff what they're hearing about and so you know one of the ones that we hear a lot is what would you say you know what would you advise families or caregivers who are worried about their children's mental health particularly with all the variables that you talked about the uncertainty and the the season what would you how would you support or what advice would you give to caregivers in that role in that way um first of all i'd say great job paying attention first of all um you know i think if you're if you're paying attention to your kid you're wanting to notice if anything feels different um you know courtney and i can certainly give you a list of

014things to kind of be on the lookout for um but one of the best things you can do is be um honest with your kids and talk to them about what's going on um tell them what the parameters are and why you're making some of the choices you're making um and be clear with them about what they can and what they can do which is just as important as what they can't do um sometimes we can get as parents i'm speaking for myself a little here it's easy for me like to say don't do this and don't do that um and it's i have to remind myself to say like yes you can go do this and yes you can go do that and at a time when there seem to be so many structures

015on everything like it's really important to make sure we we slip in the cans um but a great resource and i'm happy to provide this link to mike afterwards is the national child traumatic stress network they have some great resources for parents on how to talk to your kids about um what's happening and you know washing hands and wearing masks and when to the um why to do that um and to contextualize it in a way that doesn't feel traumatizing but is really direct and informative i would say um one of the things that's really important during that time is to not be afraid to talk to your kids about the effect that the virus is having on them right and to talk to them about the things that they feel like they've lost because

016they're grieving a sense of normalcy some of them a sense of connection um and so acknowledging that there was a loss but also as you acknowledge the loss think about what opportunities are available for them now like what are new things that they can do that you all can do together as a family that they can look forward to beginning to have conversations with them about okay now there's a lot of stuff that's out of our control that we can't control there's so many things out of our control but within our sphere of influence what are the things that we can control so it could be you're going to take and we're going to enjoy ourselves for 30 minutes a day and we're going to move our bodies and we're going to dance and we're

017going to listen to our favorite songs we're going to have the house dance party or the house dance off you can even say things like you know what for 30 minutes we're going to do mindfulness i'm going to play some music or even go on um fire stick and go to the relaxed channel and i'm just gonna play something for us to be steel and in that stillness when kids are having a hard time you can do something like ask them okay now what i want you to do as you listen i want you to tell me what are five things you can hear what are four things you can see what are three things you can smell what's something you can taste and so doing things to help ground them and get them to

018be present versus constantly in their head the other things that you can also do is setting up rituals and routines in your house so what are the things that we can do every morning to establish a sense of normalcy and these are the things we're going to do whether you're in person whether you're partially at home or whether you're at home right but you want to make sure that there is some ritual routine because normally if they were going to school we know what that routine is get your bag get in the car we're leaving at this time we got to be at the house by this time and and that ritual routine is there for kids it really helps to have some sort of ritual and routine that starts their day and then something

019that ends their day at the same time but as a family even for adults if you all could end the day doing something as a family as a ritual routine even ending the day with everyone just saying what's something that we can be grateful for today what's one thing that we are proud that we're being able to accomplish today right so ending the day with a sense of gratitude versus everyone saying i'm tired this was different i didn't like this but really forcing the mind and the body to think about what was good and what we can control thank you i'm going to i'm going to mix in some questions that i'm seeing come through the chat with some other ones that are some of the frequently asked ones i referenced before so we get

020a question do you have any recommendations for shielding children from the constant talk about the virus which seems to overshadow so much conversation um and i think that's true i think we all experience that um and i think like many other challenging things um it's for families and this is one i've heard a lot how much to talk i know some of it's and hopefully your recommendations talk a little about the age of children and developmentally where kids are um but you can't turn on the tv uh even if you're watching another show with seeing an ad for the news with some information about uh covet 19 or you know vaccines which might feel like good news to us adults who can make sense of it for young children they may understand what that means

021um so do you have any thoughts about how to how to help caregivers think about that and how to support them as as they're working with their own children yeah so um i do you think regardless right so kids are really sensitive um and we often do do think adults have a tendency to underestimate um what kids are able to pick up on and so what's really most important um if you have a kid who's who's verbal so even as young as three right we need to find language to talk about the virus to the children and two kids in a way that they're going to understand and that language should be age-appropriate but it kind of ties back into what i was saying earlier which is just um you know the one of the

022best gifts we can give our children around something like this where there's so much uncertainty is to answer as directly as possible in language that's appropriate um and to also acknowledge when when we don't necessarily know or have an answer um because that's also that's also okay because that's reality um and so the cdc actually has some guidelines around that they have a they have a website that's devoted to talking to kids and also engaging with kids and um i do believe i saw some information on there when i was checking out updating it earlier about let you know language you might use with kids um but i do think the other thing that's totally appropriate is really limiting how much talk there is around the bias right so the thing we focus on always

023gets bigger and so the more we talk about the more the virus the more it's on our mind um and so it's appropriate to talk about it and also in the same way that you wouldn't let your kids watch certain certain tv or certain movies or even play certain video games um you know putting time limits on things um you know and making sure that certain conversations adult conversations about decision making maybe don't happen in front of the kids um you know it's important to to monitor or put timelines on those things while also still making sure that they feel informed because that gives them a sense of control and agency for even for little ones is super super important i think one of the things that has been helpful for some people right now

024is this idea and sarah kind of hit on it is about boundaries and so having boundaries around time but also setting aside a time and saying okay we're gonna allow ourselves to talk about this for at this time for 30 minutes during the week and so you can ask all the questions you want you we can watch the shows we can take in the news and then after that we're gonna say we're gonna try to focus on other things that are happening in the world and in our lives and in our family and so really using boundaries for that i think when you think about different kids the other thing to do is to kind of ask them how do they feel when they hear certain words and so for younger kids you could do

025smiley faces and ask them to point out the emotions and really talk to them about what those emotions mean and how do they feel for older kids you can ask them more and they'll tell you right and so at that point and really dealing with the feelings that are coming up for them um and acknowledging them and honoring them not judging them and not trying to make them go away but holding them acknowledging them um and also making space for you know let's maybe talk about this again because it gives you a check in point if you're feeling this way now like if right if we bring this up again in one to two weeks are you seeing the same thing can i just say add a note for those of you with with teenagers

026um some of you may have teens who really readily talk to you um some of you have tn2 when you ask them how they're doing will constantly answer you with a four-letter word like i'm fine or i'm good or i'm okay um you know part of the work and having a conversation with with kids who answer us is to say so what is that what does that mean i mean okay okay could mean a lot of different things and i know what okay is for me but what is it for you right so to like you know dig a little bit deeper under the surface with with language like that great um thank you for i see there's a couple more questions i'm gonna mix the questions that come in and some of the ones

027that i collected beforehand but please do use the chat feature for those i did not introduce that well but on the lower right hand corner of your screen there should be a little cursor and you can type in a question and we'll we'll see it but another one that i'm getting a lot and this came up we recently surveyed families um and and this that this concern came up pretty frequently uh across age level bands which is you know my kid is struggling to engage with schools and peers online uh you know we're in a virtual environment in our district right now um doing distance learning and so you know what what can families do how can they support their children uh who are starting to disengage or their disengagement is is increasing over time

028especially as they're able to be outside less often that's a great question um i guess i want to i feel inclined to add some context a little bit beforehand which is that you know i think something we almost forget is that in-person schooling is so critical for social development and not just like um reading body cues nonverbal communications right which by the way is incredibly hard to read over a screen especially when all you're getting is this part of the nonverbal communication and we really communicate with our whole bodies right we talk with our hands we we when we move closer to someone it means something when we move farther away from someone it means something right and so kids aren't aren't getting some of that training um remote and that is likely contributing to

029some of the engagement issues um especially if with younger kids who are very much you know still in the early stages of learning some of those social skills um and so um some of that might be talking through their day and picking out certain pieces and really doing some of the social education with them around like well maybe this person thought that right and playing out scenarios with them so they gain some of those social skills or when you say to them what could you say if this person you know says or does something like that again you know to really support them in learning some of the skills that otherwise they would be getting in person um i think another reality is just that being on a screen is is tough for all of

030us you know zoom fatigue is a very very real thing um it's it's it's not physically exhausting because you're sitting still but it's actually exhausting because of of what it requires of of our attention and focus um and some kids struggle with that as on a baseline level um but generally um especially our younger kids like they need to be up and moving that is why school tends to be highly interactive so that they can engage and move their bodies and retain their attention much better so um you know that may be if you notice a kid who's struggling to engage that may mean connecting back to the teacher and really thinking about what movement breaks or other engagement tools they have in mind that might support your student and continue to engage more regularly

031i would say the other thing especially when you start thinking about teenagers in the peer peer group they're missing out normally when you send in a class and everybody's doing work you want to do work you're not going to be the one that's not participating or not involved in a discussion um and so i think one of the things when you see lack of engagement there's also lack of feeling like i'm a part of something right and so as much as you can help teenagers at this point when there's engagement to understand that they're a part of something but also shifting the expectations for engagement um we're recognizing that look they might not be able to say you know what i'm engaged like i'm a comment the entire class but challenging them to say look

032can you say something in three of your classes today right like can you just say you know what can we get can you tell me three things you said in class today in one class or even getting them to say you know what it's hard for you to do everything you know what if you do for the next 30 minutes you just commit to focusing on these things so it's almost as if you're telling yourself you know what it's hard for sustained engagement so let's try to do smaller chunks and then increase that as you go along i think the other thing that's important to acknowledge is normally if they're in the classroom or they're with their group they're getting feedback on their responses and that feeds self-efficacy that feeds pride that lets me want

033to keep going and so when it's when you're not getting that then you're like how do i get this internal motivation to do it and so really asking them and inquiring about right now the only thing they can think about is what they're in right now so everyone is very now focused and so if you can tap into some of that what is what do you want to do when you finish because i know this isn't where you want to end right and so really tapping into okay let's put that goal on the wall let me do things to remind you of where you're trying to go and so you can help them get some of that internal motivation that's focused on um external goals or external objectives that they want to achieve can i

034just add one more thing mike so um some some information came out probably six to eight weeks ago at this rate and it was a study done and it was asking kids what felt most important and the thing that they ranked highest on was peer connection um and kids are just really really grieving the loss of that right now and so um two practical thoughts is that you know as parents is how do you feel facilitate peer connection but in a really safe way so that you know that we're not spreading the virus and so in all the ways that you can do that if that's a viable option for your family if you're not concerned about someone in the home who is you know immunocompromised then playing outdoors with masks you know is actually

035super important for your kids and um you know and make them wear a lot of layers the colder it gets you know um being outside is actually proven to support like the release of oxytocin and endorphins and it just feels good to us and so it may be something new and really different um but that is a really practical thing i think the other thing is um you know this is where kind of connecting with the school and checking in with you know a homeroom teacher or an advisory um leader or you know um to see what kind what ways are are is the school able to support students in connecting in a social way um or even in a reflective way something that's more meaningful um so that they they feel like they're checking

036in with each other as opposed to on display which is how a lot of kids feel when they're on zoom right it's this experience so you know of standing at the center at the front of the room all period long that's what it feels like to a lot of kids and so if we can move them back into their so-called seats you know and connect as they would um that will also make a difference in them feeling connected and engaged yeah thank you you know this it's been written about a lot lately the scandinavian expression i think it's there's a there's no bad weather only bad clothing um i'm not saying i personally subscribed to that notion courtney and sarah earlier i am someone who really enjoys um the warmer side of the new england

037seasons um at the same time i think what you said is true that being outside i mean just in personal experience yesterday was it wasn't terrible but it wasn't lovely but getting outside for a long hike with kids and and everything made a huge difference in everyone's mood um and it's not the same excitement you get when it's nice and warm or even crisp but you get warmer and then sun comes out i mean that wasn't the day it was and the effect was still the same so i want to just put up a couple uh another questions our plan for our district of socially distant or non-academic opportunities for students to connect with each other or staff i'll just that's more for me than for courtney and sarah but i just want to say

038if there are ideas deborah that you have or anybody has please send them our way i know that there has been some you know between kind of theater department and athletics at the secondary level we've had some opportunities like that um and so if people have ideas please send them to me or your building principal and we'll see what we can do to put something together because i think it's it's really important for all the reasons the siren courtney just said uh we'll we'll do some thinking but it's a great idea and please share thoughts with us about how that might work um another one what about support for parents to learn self-regulation skills this has an effect on our children um you know i'll say that this is another one that um thank you

039for asking it but uh it's another one that comes up a lot that people have said since this is the most they're spending time with their as a nuclear family since their children were babies and while that that's wonderful in some ways it also brings about challenges um because that hasn't been our routine for a long long time for many people um and um you know it's even just uh talking today to a parent uh who's talking about the concept of space and how different space in the home feels you know they're very accustomed to their space in their home being unoccupied much of the day by everyone and now it brings about some tensions about cleanliness and cleaning and laundry and dishes that that didn't used to exist when when those were much more

040less frequent issues in the past so i think it's a great question about the self-regulation skills for for adults because i think that's the the person who asked this question that's right that certainly has an effect on kids so i'd love to hear any thoughts you all have about that the first thing i would say is i'm gonna say i we we call it self-care but i'm gonna call it self-repair because the reason i say that is you wouldn't let your battery once your battery gets low you're finding a charger you're plugging it in you're making sure it's good so don't do that to yourself and so one of the things that's really important in that is how do i think about how do i think about you know what do i need to do

041to make sure i'm grounded because if i'm grounded then the house will be grounded there um and so really thinking about that and one of the ways to do that is through boundaries and so really being okay with saying i'm going to take 30 minutes by myself and it's okay and you know i have a mom that used to say i'm going in this bathroom don't knock on the door don't open it and i will see you all when i get out right and so that was her time i don't you think she was in the bathtub half the time i just think she just was taking a moment from us i think the other thing is recognizing a sphere of influence focusing on what you can control versus what you can't and as you

042think about more people be in the house really say what's the bare minimum of cleanliness in the house that i can be okay with because it might look different now versus what it looked like before oh sorry go ahead now i was just gonna jump off on that um so moderation is this term that we have been talking about a lot on the bright team and it is this idea that um and i just want to acknowledge like the idea of moderation really flies in the face of a lot of different cultural values um including including some in this country that are about work harder and keep going and push through and you know truck on and that kind of thing and um sometimes those serve us well and sometimes those don't you know and

043so moderation is the capacity to kind of step back and say you know i gotta dial it back somewhere right this is overwhelming it's too much and recognize that there's a cost to that and that sometimes pushing through is actually not the answer because pushing through actually just makes it worse right and so to courtney's point around like let's be really thoughtful now that my college age child is now back home when we didn't expect her to be and i also have my high school and a middle school and high schooler and maybe even potentially an elementary schooler in the house um yeah i think definitions of cleanliness probably need to shift and change in order to accommodate the fact that there's a lot more people uh living there and not only that like there

044all the time right like we're not getting the same breaks we used to to like you know it's not the same to just like run to the store to get something right because we're really trying to a lot of folks are really trying to limit the amount of time they spend in public spaces and so um moderation is is really a critical component of maintaining resilience in the face of kind of persistent um uncontrollable stress right kind of like the pandemic is putting on us right because we don't have any control over it and we don't know when it's going to end and so um you know it's important to kind of curb our impulses towards like just pushing and pushing and working harder um that's really not the answer in the face of of

045this kind of stress we got out we got to be a little gentler with ourselves we got to offer grace to the people around us which is space and compassion um and give that to ourselves as well um take take a minute and say i just need to take a breather and i'm going to step out of this room and i need nobody to talk to me for the next five minutes so i can just gather myself and that's okay and i think the other thing would be extending self-compassion to yourself i think a lot of times what we expected of ourselves as parents and as adults what we've been able to balance the multiple hats we've been wearing and how we've been able to show up for them a lot of times now with

046the added stress we're not showing up in the same ways but we're still trying to show up in the same way so we're not giving ourselves permission to understand like my best right now can look different than my best was this time last year and so as an adult one that's one of the things that's even important for you and your kid recognizing that our best this time last year and our best this time this year is going to look really different you know putting on the pearls getting dressed and not and not having pajama pants on is amazing right and so just getting to a place that you're recognizing that your best can look different right now and i think as you think about regulation one of the most important things is how to

047think about what is a way that you can be creative for at least 15 minutes a day because there are studies that show that if you can tap into creativity you can decrease the way stress is experiencing you it could be through coloring it could be having a puzzle um there's a household i know that they leave a puzzle on the table so everybody in the family just comes by and tries to put the puzzle together and they keep doing that but that's a way for them to be present and to feel apart and connected and to also be creative because it forces them to come outside their head you know thinking about what are extra hobbies do you want people since we're not seeing each other are we gonna make gifts for everybody this

048year instead of buying something right are we gonna how and that that is another way to engage in collective care what do you want to make for your friends what could you send your friends or what could we send them to tell them we're thinking about them and we want to care for them you know do we want to bake cookies and leave them on somebody's porch you know like what are the the little things that you can do to tap into that create creative side will definitely decrease your stress and it'll decrease your child's stress and again just taking moments to breathe throughout the day um i have a friend that has said courtney i tell my kid if we can get to for good so the kid knows if we get to we're

049good you know the rest of the day i can lay in the chair i cannot look at the camera but i gotta get to this time of the day and so even extending that grace and being able to do that is really important great thank you uh faye brady uh talked about a prompt that she hears a lot from families um that kind of goes like this as a caregiver this during this time of social isolation anxiety and depression uh will that have this time and all its challenges have a lasting impact on my child or myself and what could i help to to make this not so devastating for us not just in the short term but really the focus on long-term implications of the challenges at this moment you know people are i

050think we sometimes have this as this to see to believe that people are inherently resilient um and they're not we're not born with resilience but the great news is that we can cultivate it right it is it is actually a skill set that we can develop and work on um and so um so i think my immediate my immediate thought or answer to the question is that um yes and no i mean the truth is i don't think any of us will will forget anyone who's been alive to live through this period of time will not forget it um but that doesn't have to be a bad thing right you know life often hands us difficult tasks difficult events things that we have to survive um and um and that contributes to the fullness of

051our experience right um i'll share with you something i i often say to my clients that life is not a it's not a feelings buffet because if it was we would walk up to the buffet and we would say i would love a lot of happiness and a lot of joy and a dash of excitement and a little bit of surprise but you know what let's take the anger and the grief and the disappointment and the loss and let's just leave those over there because i don't want any of that but we don't have those choices and in some ways it's really important that we don't because the breadth of that emotional experience is what gives us fullness right so to truly experience joy and happiness you actually have to know their opposite right that's

052actually critical so we want exposure to the full breadth of our of our of human emotion but but then we need the tools to manage the more difficult things right the more difficult emotions like grief and loss sadness anger disappointment frustration right and so that means allowing allowing those feelings to exist acknowledging that they exist that they're human setting parameters when when they start to get a little bit hairy you know as i said to my kids you know it is you are allowed to be angry and you are allowed to tell me that you're angry it's not okay for you to throw something across the room right so it's the both and like what is okay and like where where is the line where is that boundary um but i think going back to

053this idea of you know um we all encounter hard things the top you know what we have to do in the face of those hard things is actually to to build our skills around resilience in the face of those and those you know resilience is about connection to people around us it is about creating predictability in our lives and that's about you know helping to regulate our nervous system which likes things nice and predictable right so even it feels if it feels rot at least we know it's coming right and that is soothing to our nervous system it's about moderation so it's it's it's gauging what we can tolerate and knowing that our best on a given day looks really different relative to the circumstances around us and it means seeing where we have control

054and agency and then really embracing that where and when we can even if that means really shrinking the change to something small and very manageable right and again on any given day like you know there's some days where i'm like i can take on the world and then other days i'm like i can clean the dishes in my sink right so and that's okay either way but we need to have enough of that self-compassion that courtney was talking about to really give herself the spaces to to live with that kind of flexibility and i would say the other thing that's important to remember is that in the midst of what we're focusing on social isolation anxiety and depression you can kind of moderate the effects of that if you can find something to look forward

055to so even if the thing to look forward to is oh i'm gonna i baked this cake i learned this new recipe i cooked this new dish right where you're not completely just focusing on those three things then you you you someone as they as um when they reflect back on the time and the experience they're not just able to point to negative feelings and thoughts but they're able to say in the midst of that oh i played this game with my family that was really fun and that was hilarious or oh i saw my mom do this and that was funny you know so they're able to point to something you all can point to something oh we went for a hike we would have never did that together right um so you can

056point to what are some of the good things so that when they look back on this time it's not just about the social isolation and anxiety and depression but they can point to moments of connection they can point to moments of joy they can point to moments of happiness that were created by making things happen right and so the thing is it doesn't have to be as devastating it can be uncomfortable and we can acknowledge that this is an uncomfortable time but let's reframe it as this is uncomfortable versus saying this is devastating so even the language we use when we talk to ourselves and we talk to our kids can make a difference about how we experience it in our body if i tell myself this is an uncomfortable time for me i'm like

057okay i can grow from this but if i say this is a devastating time for me i lose my hope that there can be anything good that comes from this thank you both so i'm just looking at the clock unfortunately and and if anyone has a question or two more um please put them in i have one more that came to me also we are planning this series so if there are specific topics that you know in the next version of this that you want to have please do put them in the chat but the last question that i collected beforehand uh and you sort of addressed it but i want to ask it a little bit differently um is you know everyone seems overwhelmed there's a feeling that there's nothing to look forward to

058uh you know and this the particular piece that's coming up uh recently is the advice not to travel for the holidays and i'll say you know for me this is the first you know you know my mother loves thanksgiving right and this is there's always a holiday and and it's gonna be really odd to to not have that with my larger family who haven't seen very much you know at all and i'm not alone in in that i think many many people are going through um sort of the awkwardness of the moment and even trying to do like you know zoom thanksgivings or something you know like that's it's probably something we'll do for a bit but you know we're going to keep the cameras on you know indefinitely and pretend to have turkey together

059that's not it's not gonna be our thing i'm not criticizing anyone else for doing that but you know i think there's really a feeling as we head to the holidays um and these traditions or customs or norms that we have around family and seeing each other in celebration particularly for people who don't live close to family they aren't going to happen and just anything you can do to you know advice you'd give about how folks can take care of themselves during this holiday season i mean first i just want to normalize that um it's a huge loss you know and it's totally appropriate to have feelings of grief i want to acknowledge some people might have feelings of relief at not having to go to some what can sometimes be really um interpersonally or challenging

060family get-togethers um so that i know that's not a consistent experience for everybody um but i'll be honest you know i i called my my mom and my mother-in-law this weekend and said we're not coming and i cried a lot um and then i felt really you know for myself you know i felt really reassured this morning when i heard some of the news reports and i said we you know we made a good decision um and that's not to say that anybody who's choosing to do differently that it's a bad decision everyone's going to make their own choices um but for those of you who who have decided to stay home and that feels like a really big loss like i think it's really important to name losses loss you know and that there's

061grief there's a grief process with that um you know um and that's you know i think one thing we don't do terribly well all the time in in this larger society is like acknowledge hard feelings um whether they're hard or uncomfortable or painful um and yet the the only way through those kinds of feelings is to actually allow yourself to have them so i think you know acknowledging that that's what's happening naming it for yourself and or for the folks around you um and then um and then really kind of saying like okay and this is the decision we've made and so how do you how do you make it new how do you plan something that is worth looking forward to and it doesn't have to be fancy right like we're not talking about

062you know going to extraordinary measures or anything there was one thanksgiving and i've been thinking about replicating this for my kids where my brothers and i we did we like very spontaneously did a thanksgiving olympics on a local like jungle gym you know and it was one of the memories that came up for me the other day when i realized like i wasn't gonna go home and see everyone i was like okay like it's just quirky and it's fun and like we'll get a kick out of it and you know we'll probably remember this thanksgiving because of something like that so um it can be simple and effective i would say it's definitely taking the time to once you get through acknowledging the loss right like i'm thinking i'm gonna miss grandma's sweet potato pies

063and homemade dressing and you know just even just the laughter in the home of everybody being there right and that and that sense of i think when we say the holidays regardless of whether it was with our birth family or our choice family there's a sense of belonging that we're all missing because we knew we had a place like the holidays signified like you had a place to go to so i think recreating and thinking about well how can i make not the sense of belonging in this how in the house where i am or how can i make it with the in the community i am and it could be creating a different type of ritual routine it could be saying the very people that i reached out to what can i take this

064day and do something for them and then put it in the middle right um it could be even just saying you know we're going to come up with a dance we're going to listen to music we're going to have a music battle i know one of the things that as you're thinking about memories is i remember the older people and the younger people in my family battled like who had the best music selection so they were playing their songs and we were playing hours and of course you know theirs was better but it was just having that moment where you're doing different things like that that brings a sense of belonging and a sense of identity that people can be a part of and i think it's prioritizing doing that right because it's easy to

065sit in the grief and the loss the hard part is it's almost like turning turning square wheels it's trying to get your brain to turn over and to think about how do i begin to think about like because you don't want to you're like no i don't i want to go back to what ended i don't think about anything new but being intentional and understanding in that intentionality about what i can do new i feel resilient for me and my family now that's really helpful thank you and i think that happened on on a positive note uh for many families you know i've got some young kids uh you know who for families who celebrate halloween one of the things i heard this year is people were really creative about how to do it and

066most kids didn't miss the trick-or-treating part as long as the candy part came in right they figure out new ways to get their kids you know my kids sugared up and and um you know i think that's what we've always done uh you know for many families who celebrate you know the halloween um and and you know a lot of people like i don't want to go back right you know like we were able to create you know new traditions and uh it did work well and and so thank you for the some of the the hints and tips about that um it is uh we are at time so i really want to thank all of you for the great questions and comments in the chat courtney and sarah you're wonderful as always so

067thank you for being with us and sharing your knowledge and background experience and wisdom with us and as i said you know please do share you know thoughts about a future topic that we want to do we want to do a series and you know perhaps the next one might be more focused on a specific idea um that we can dig into on a deeper level but but i learned a lot tonight and really appreciate courtney and sarah and your work with us in the district and thanks everybody for tuning in hope you have