001a while come back leave for a while come back so Sarah and I wanted to sit down and really talk about what we did and the painful process for both of us on on how she got to be here and before I start I just want to say what happened with us is not unique in any way it's the same that for anyone with addiction problems you'll hear the same kinds of stories but for Sarah and I we were always really close and I was afraid this was going to just destroy our relationship Al together and I'm so glad it didn't so um do you want to kind of start and talk about where you started off and what was kind of happening when you started drinking um sure I started well I drank casually
002through high school and then when I turned 17 I had an incident with an ex-boyfriend where Al I turned alcohol from a feeling of loneliness and I felt that's where I started to become dependent on it and once I realized it made me feel better I used that in most situations and it wasn't that bad right away it from 17 and I'm 29 now and I've been so sober since um February 4th 2022 and it's not my first time getting sober um but yeah it so when Sarah was living with her boyfriend at the time I knew I I saw some signs of drinking but it was normal high school drinking you know you go out you party you come home she was a homebody she was home every night but when she started dating
003this man I started to notice some different behaviors I noticed some behaviors from him I didn't really like and then the turning point was really on Easter Sunday I went to get Sarah she was not answering her phone she had not answered a call in days and for anyone who was a child just a pit hit my stomach and on Easter Sunday I just said that's it I'm going over to his house and I went over to his house and Sarah opened the door with this Shiner and I'll tell you for the people that know me I wanted to go into that house and just kill that kid and there are some lessons I have learned since I had Sarah but before I had her when I was pregnant and there's this woman my closest
004friend's mother who's here today I'm so glad because she's a big part of the story and she doesn't even know it so I'm she said to me when I was pregnant with Sarah once you have her it's going to be the first time you could actually kill somebody and I thought true well I have wanted to kill people in the past it's been pretty close I thought I could kill someone yep but it really was true it was a feeling that came over me like no other feeling I had ever felt I was sick and what made it worse is Sarah didn't come home with me she made a choice to stay and that's at that moment when I drove away I knew alcohol had her not the boyfriend not the being out of the
005house the alcohol had her because she had other stuff going on too she was a strange from her father I mean there were other stuff I was a single mom we were struggling so when you didn't come home that's when I started to think about okay what's my plan of action here and what do I have to do to help her and shortly after this is when Sarah started calling for help but she only called when she was drunk drunk I did not get a call sober for a little while and so I had to really learn to know that voice I and I because I couldn't see her because if I saw her I could tell I knew when she was crying I knew when she was drinking I knew when she was hungry
006you just know so now I had to be able to tell on the phone what was going on and that was probably one of the hardest things because she was so so come hi Mom just wondering you know if I could have a few dollars and at that point when I said no it was like a switch and that was when things just entered into a whole another phase because she wanted what she wanted when she wanted it right you weren't working yeah so why don't you talk a little bit about after Andrew and kind of where where that went from there you want yeah sure um well eventually left that relationship but while leaving that I did initially turned to alcohol even though I was under 21 I I had I got a hold
007of it and it made me feel better then I started working at a sports bar and I worked there for about two years from like 19 to 21 and there is when I was working in the back with the kitchen and so drinking was pretty common there the head chef had given me someone's ID that they left behind when I was 19 and then I started going out drinking with them met somebody who was already in full-blown alcohol addiction started a relationship with them wasn't thinking straight throughout all of that I had I got suspended from work for a week so I didn't really have consequences to my actions yet um and yeah so it basically once I started that relationship with someone already in alcohol addiction that's who I was drawn to it was
008easier for me because I did just wanted I wanted what made me feel better what made me feel better and then I didn't that's when selfishness pretty much took over and tunnel vision yeah and so when Sarah was working at the platform this is you know we all know where we were when 911 hit right we all know certain events in our lives we know where we were we know what we were doing and this night I was watching Barney Miller with Joe I don't know if anyone knows that show except me and Mrs Kelly maybe maybe Angela does anybody know Barney Miller it's an old show I'm watching it and I get a call and I can't even Sarah I can't even understand her she's just sobbing hysterically and in between the sobbing she's
009saying assaulted and I'm thinking what finally figure out that the chefs in the kitchen had assaulted her and it had been going on for some time so again I got in the car against Joe's wishes and I might have put a baseball bat in the car I'm not sure but it was this BL mind rage and I went down to the restaurant and the girl was sitting at the front Sarah was outside I hadn't found her yet and she explained to me don't worry about it everything's okay we took care of it Sarah is going to work at the front of the house and not go in the kitchen and I went you're kidding me right and right at that moment I saw the chef come one of the chefs come out then I got
010up and I said a couple things to him then she wanted at that point wanted to call the police but I all I saw she had tunnel vision I had tunnel vision whoever is g to hurt Sarah I'm going to hurt them not even really addressing the alcohol part of this yet so I left there and explained to them that we would be filing charges and we kind of did all that but Sarah came home and she move back home yeah I had been living with the active alcoholic while I worked there for about two years drinking daily before work all day all day Drinker yeah so it had where I needed the alcohol at that point so I was it pretty much had me at the grasp right there yep so I had to
011decide at this point should I let her come back and live in the house and I said talk to Joe about it and I said I'm going to do it but there's going to be some stipulations they're going to have rules well she didn't want any part of that she had been living on her own yeah before that throughout a couple apartments there were several instances of when I drank um calling people that this welfare checks a couple evictions so it was already hard for you to let me move back yeah she had um she was struggling living in one place because the drinking you know she wasn't working steady um and I was very nervous about it so I had to really plan ahead another visit to Mrs Kelly I go see her I'm
012in Westfield so I go by her house and we were talking and I was telling her what was going on with Sarah and she looked at me and she said you know Danielle here's the thing this is going to be a difficult ult process and I just remember thinking no this is a difficult process now what do you it's gonna get worse she goes it's gonna get bad but you can do it you can do it just listen and I said okay I'm GNA go and just listen and I tried but it got to the point where Sarah was just doing whatever she wanted she was coming home drunk and she was just combative she want she wanted to fight just fight fight fight she had a lot of anger inside of her from these
013relationships and I was the punching bag but I got it I understood it you know I had Joe with me and he was trying to explain this to me as well but she would also in the interm of being in and out of the house I would get a call from the police saying we have Sarah here the first call I ever got from the police was shortly after she moved in and when I saw that unknown number I just knew and Sarah hadn't been in trouble with the police at this time so I could hear her sobbing in the back and the officer let me talk to her and she was begging me begging me to please come get her I could tell she was like almost ready to throw up sobbing and I
014just just I took the phone I put the phone down and I just remember sitting and thinking what is the wrong thing to do and I knew what that was so then I just did the opposite I told the officer thank you for calling I'm not coming and he said thank you because most mothers would be right down here getting their kid I went nope then this whole journey Starts Now this other now we're in a whole another phase of the drinking because I don't really know how much she is drinking I know she's drinking a lot but I don't know at this point that she's drinking first thing in the morning and I'm also denying any knowledge I have of this disease and thinking well Sarah's got to be different my brother's a recovering
015alcoholic and addict he's been sober for 29 years I started to relate her to him which wasn't good it it was different but once the police called me then I knew we were kind of in for a ride and then she met this man I mean there was a lot of fighting and arguing and stealing and actually no stealing No Stealing Sarah never took any money she never took anything from me nothing and so that's why associating her with my brother's story was different because my brother did and Sarah just wasn't just wasn't doing that wasn't showing those behaviors but then she met this young man he came to the house and another day I will never forget he had this big fur coat on and he came in and he smelled like marijuana and
016I just went here we go again because Sarah didn't feel good about herself so that you can't attract goodness if you don't feel good inside um and she moved in with him you want to talk a little bit about you want to talk about that time the yeah I could talk about that time there was an instance I can bring up before I moved out when I was living at home yeah where I don't think you knew how much I was drinking but that first time you tried to section me yeah that happened before so I moved in with chamelle okay and so that's right that's pretty significant part because I had was living at home and I was in my room and it was early in the morning and I took like three shots
017you called me out to the living room and there were three officers there and I didn't know what a SE 35 was but where they take you and you're going to go to the courthouse and handcuffs and then you see a judge and they determine if if you're going to go to a treatment facility so they took me and I told them in the cell that I didn't drink way less than what I was drinking and I went in front of the judge and they let me go that day and I was already kind of and I had drinks in me yeah so that was like I think talk a little bit I don't have a problem yeah cuz that was and then I walked home yeah that so sometimes we forget when you go
018through a traumatic experience you forget these details and they're just huge they're huge because a whole another section of this is the courts the court system how we help addicts and alcoholics how we help the mental ill how we just how the court system the police department I knew what a section meant section 35 means you and there's tricky things about this I know this law I know this process like the back of my hand now in order to section someone first you go to the court you have to petition it so you speak to a clerk and you have to write page after page of everything that's gone on then you hand that back then they hand it to an officer they have to serve her with the papers but first they have to
019find her and if they don't find her by 3 o'clock that shifts over I have to go back at 3:30 and do the whole thing all over again I have to fill out the paperwork hand it to the clerk it's the same system when this done when this was done a year later I went back to the clerk and I got her some flowers because she was so helpful and so calm with me because I was sobbing and she's like okay just fill this out fill this out like and of course the officers could not find her so they would call me and say you got to come back so then I started looking for her and someone had told me she was in and this is cold weather now we're getting into winter weather
020and I went down to this tent community in Northampton and as I'm I parked my car and as I'm walking down I can see these women coming out of the this the wooded area and I thought oh my God it's just like a stab in your gut because you know your kids's in there and I asked around and these girls were so nice and I really wanted to take all of them home with me I was like do you want to just come home with me I'll get you some help but she knew I was trying to section her so she was not going to make it easy for me so these women told me you know there's her tent over there I went oh I didn't know this was happening at the time yeah
021I was on the run she was running she was running she did not want to because she didn't know what was going to happen when she got sectioned so what happens is there's only one facility in this state for women and that's in New Haven New Bedford New Bedford what's the name of it woman's addiction treatment center waty waty so waty is run by recovering alcoholics and addicts you only had to be sober at that time how long six six months 6 months to work at this facility you can only stay there 30 days when Sarah went to court I thought okay now she's going to be sectioned she'll go to court I'm listening to the judge and he looks at Sarah and he says Sarah you're too pretty to be getting into trouble like
022this I went are you kidding me well this guy next to me who had a son up there goes I hope he talks to my son like that I went no you don't so he let her go and as she's walking by me and I mean we can talk about this now but boy it was hard when she'd said it she walked by me and just mouthed I hope you die and I went okay talk to you later Sarah good luck today I don't know where you're going I had to just I I did not want to cry I didn't want to get upset and then I looked at that judge and went we're not done buddy we are not done you and me so I did write a letter to the paper I did
023speak to him personally and he not only did it once but he did it twice more he let her go three times and that three times he let her go and the fourth time finally they took her and then two more times after that and then two more times after that so when he went to waty this facility in New Bedford looks like a prison it's you know Barbed wires it does not look like a facility that gives any type of treatment and there was a woman outside swearing like no tomorrow on the phone and I said they let you come out and have cigarettes she goes what are you talking about I work here I went oh that's nice that's nice do you know Sarah my daughter are you her counselor I just thought
024how is this but this is our system we want people to get help but we don't give them a pathway to get it we don't give them the right pathway because when I went to get Sarah after the 30 days the first [Music] time I pulled in there and she said do you really want to know what it's like in there I said well if you want to tell me she said well have you seen Orange is the New Black because that's pretty pretty much it women are setting off alarms women are right yeah it was yeah I mean it was people would run away from there and then OD the next day we would hear about it because it's not in a good part so yeah but for there you have to have somewhere
025to go home after and the first time you let me come home after yep I let her come home and I really talked talked it out with Joe and I also talked about it with my dad and my dad really struggled with my brother's addiction and really enabled him you know he would come home and say he needed things and they'd give him money and I needed I wanted him to know what was going on with Sarah I wanted him to really understand that when I had to tell him she's homeless why because he would never my brother was never homeless never kicked out of the house and that was 100% Choice by me yeah to be be homeless because I wanted to drink yeah every day yep and um so now we're in this
026phase where Sarah's getting sectioned and she's drinking and she's just she's falling apart and I was falling apart too because it was the phone calls it's like chipping away at sanity you're just chipping away chipping away and she would call me when she was drunk and demand that I give her help and then when I wouldn't give her the help she wanted because I would tell her if you want something to eat go down to Antonio's I'll get you something to eat I'm not giving you any money I'm not doing it and once Sarah heard that she this violence in her she just she just went right to the heart of my emotions because she was struggling I was struggling and I think at that time I think did you think you could wear me
027down like did you think you could I would give in um I don't really know at that point I I don't think I was trying to wear you down specifically I just I couldn't stop the the pattern I was I was on so then what what happened is now a year two years is going by and we're still going through this and then another incident I'm walking with my co-workers walking with my co-workers in ammer after work one day one of them was my boss and we were in ammer and we cut across the street to go to Johnny's and I could hear Sarah on the street I could hear her yelling and I just went oh Jesus this is not going to be good and I could see her my peripheral vision and I
028just just thought I just got to get in the restaurant well then I hear Danielle Danielle this is something I don't remember yeah at all and my co-workers looked at me I went I feel bad for her mother I don't know who that is but this isn't going to be good and my cooworker goes Danielle she just said your name I went oh she did and then we walked into the restaurant and I completely ignored it we in front of the window and here comes Sarah right in front of the window she goes I see you and then I looked at my friends I went okay that is my daughter that's Sarah just let's eat and ignore it because the police are coming someone had already called the police and my co-workers I mean I
029just sat there eating I was just eating my co-workers were looking at me like Daniel what are you what are you doing I said there's nothing I can do right now she's in a bad place she does not want me to come out and talk to her I have to leave her alone and they said she's going to get arrested I said I know that's what has to happen he go Danielle what where is she G to go I said I don't know and that is the hardest thing to have to say when you don't know what's going to happen to your child I don't know I don't know where she's going to sleep tonight I don't know if someone is going to try to hurt her I don't know if she's going to try
030to kill herself I don't know if she's going to hurt someone else the worst fear is death the worst fear I had every single night I went to bed was that Sarah was going to hurt herself and die alone and then this one night I get another call from the police going so your daughter's in a hotel room and Northampton you need to come get her we're going to section 12 her so section 12 is when the police do it so we go to this hotel room she did not want to leave she gets on the stretcher and as they're Wheeling her out she yells to the clerk am I welcome back here they were like no not I go yeah don't worry she's not coming back here but Sarah because she's female and pretty
031she got a lot of people to help her so I would get calls like this I get a call from my Uber driver she goes do you know where your daughter is right now I said who is this she goes I'm an Uber driver and I just brought your sis your daughter to the Marriott do you remember that I don't remember her calling you what she got you the room oh yeah yeah she goes I got her room at Marriott I went what you got her a room at the Marriott she goes what kind of mother are you I went um did you give her your number because if you didn't I am I'm gonna give her your number she can call you next time she needs help and this woman called me every name
032in the book I went I hope you never have an addict in your life never so Sarah had all these allowances given to her I'm like she's never going to get sober if people keep just helping her so after that is when things I started to see a change in Sarah she was just getting tired I could see it in her face she had Joe to talk to Joe's in recovery too so they had this camaraderie where they could talk to each other about what was happening and Sarah didn't have to say much she could he just understood her because really and Sarah's kind of like that just naturally once she gets flustered she doesn't like to talk too much she's like it's too much so Joe really knew that about her so they their
033relationship got stronger and stronger and stronger I also didn't know during this time that Andrew my son was paying for her to get rides everywhere he was paying for Ubers so I called him up and I said what's going on buddy you've been helping your sister out he goes I can't do much Mom I'm up here you know at school I can't really do anything but I can make sure she gets home safe or gets to wherever she's going safe and I thought okay I can't tell him how to interact with her I can't tell him not to give her help not to give her money I can't do that even if Joe said hey I'm gonna give Sarah $100 okay I can't be in control of that I can only I could only be
034in control of what I was doing and saying and the worry started to change I stopped working I stopped thinking of the sectioning I stopped that because Sarah then had a fear right that I was every time yeah why don't you talk about that because that's important also the sectioning the first section happened Christmas time six months later I get sectioned again so first time didn't really work the second time I got out of the section and I went to pick up my purse at the police station and I opened my purse and all of my full nips were still in there from when I got arrested and I relapsed before I got home so and then the third section so by that time I don't know if that was working but I was tired
035yeah and yeah's good to get sober in the moment and keep you sober for 30 days but they don't really prepare you too much for when you get out and the last time she was section they had called me and said you know we're we're releasing her we're discharging her I said she can't come home they said well where is she going to go I said that's not my problem she cannot come home and they dropped her off at my house without me there and I could not believe it and I'll tell you I went I don't mess around with the people down below I went right to the mayor I mean the governor the governor and I wrote letters I wrote letters to watsy I WR I'm a letter writer I am a letter
036writer and I was livid because here's Sarah I got the house to myself now I wasn't home I was at work so I started noticing she looked different she was dressing different she just looked tired and weepy all the time and I knew that look meant we're turning a corner I just have to keep up what I'm doing I cannot give her money I cannot even think when I look at her and she looks so put together and she's talking to me calmly and saying I'm going to do the right thing I'm working this is where I'm working this is what I'm doing I'm going to get a car I'm going it is very easy to be tricked into thinking she's okay here's some money I couldn't do it I couldn't let her use my
037car nothing and I think at that time Joe and I were looking at moving and I thought what are we going to do when we move to Springfield is she going to come with us is she going to stay with this boyfriend what is going to happen and things with him were getting very violent and aggressive and there were a couple incidents between me and him and the police said listen Danielle if you come to this apartment again with maybe a baseball bat you will be arrested and I looked at the officer and I said do you have a daughter he goes yes and I know exactly how you feel I go then you won't arrest me and he just looked at me he said Danielle it's not going to help Sarah not to arrest
038him it's not going to I go well can you arrest her then at least when Sarah was in a jail cell or at watsy I slept only time I slept and I mean like I was out like a light but if she was out running around I was up all night I had people looking for her and a lot of times that made me drink the next day what made me start that was the guilt of those phone calls yeah and the guilt of everything I did the day before and then that that's what it was at also yeah and then Joe and I moved and Sarah came with us and I said I'm going to allow this but there are some things now that have to change and I gave her a list of
039conditions and she did every single one of them she went and got a counselor because alcoholism and addiction AA was not something at the time she wanted to do but AA and therapy in combination that is what is the most successful and Sarah had found a therapist she was using an amazing organization in Springfield um out of the sheriff's department and she started talking to people that was the thing she started talking to a counselor talking to sober people and that was after my last arrest which was that week of February 2022 when I just did not want to get arrested again yeah that was like the amount of times you can get arrested and not spend time in jail I was hitting that point so yeah was ready yeah and we had an incident
040where when we first moved into the apartment I knew it was going to be hard for her but I told her she can't keep her door closed and there's these what happens is if you know anyone who's an addict they have personal items that are like a trigger they become a trigger and for me it was her pocket book she could stuff so many nit in that pocket book it was amazing I I was like what the heck this little tiny pocket book I cannot even look at an she does not bring a pocketbook in the house anymore I have to ask her please do not bring it in it's an instant trigger for me people have these and you don't sometimes you don't realize it so what I realized was when she would come
041over I would get instantly agitated and then I started looking looking at the pocketbook hanging up and I realized it wasn't her irritating me it was that pocketbook it represented something I wanted nothing to do with I didn't want to look at it nothing so she stopped doing that she stopped bringing it in but we had an incident where she had been it was when we first moved in I had just been living back yeah for and she had been drinking and I said sorry this is there's no three stri strikes here I called the police and Sarah was more mad I I just she was so angry with me and then I realized the police were not the people to call because they came and they're talking to her and then I see them
042drive away but as they're driving away Sarah is driving past them in her car so she got into her car drove around them I ran out and stopped them and said she is drinking and driving right now now you can arrest her no we can't ma'am they did let me go that day I said what he said we can't arrest her because we don't know she's drunk I went this is where we're at with the police this is it right here this situation she's drunk driving Well ma'am that's you telling us I go so you're going to wait till she either kills herself or kills someone else and then they got aggravated with me and they left and she was gone you came back that night and uh after she came back that night that
043was the end you did not when you were once once that happened and you came back and we sat down and we all talked about this that was I looked at Sarah's face and and I just knew she had had it I had seen that face before with people I recognized it and I just thought finally finally we're getting to this point and it's okay if it's not perfect but we are get we're turning a corner here and you for me the first step we had to make was Mig go to a detox for two weeks not a good one but it was a detox for two weeks which I did and then yes that was that's right that's right you found me one we went to court and I I was on probation also
044for probably 10 years of this back and forth yeah so until May of this past year so that also I wasn't mad to be on probation but that was the agreement yeah I wasn't allowed to drink but to live in the house yeah yeah so that day I took her to court and this is God's way of saying okay Danielle I'm about to intervene in a whole another way in your life so we get to court and I walk in and I hear this woman in front of the judge sobbing about her son and she turns and her son was a client of mine at one time she was trying to get him section again and she's sobbing so we left the courtroom and she came out and I introduced her to Sarah do you
045remember what she said to you maybe not yeah exactly she was crying and she said Sarah don't do this to yourself oh yeah don't do this to your mother don't do this to the people you love and you know they always say you don't want to get sober for other people okay why not why not why can't we change that saying because I think it kind of stinks and Sarah gave her a hug went in front of the judge came out she was already done and she said I'm ready to go and I brought her to wer to the shittiest looking I mean this place looked mice were crawling over me in my sleep horrific there was people sleeping in the one man urinated on himself in the hallway and I'm sitting there thinking can
046I leave my daughter here yes I can it wasn't that hard actually I realized it really wasn't that hard you get to a point where you're just like I don't care if I drop her off in the middle of the desert something has to change so she she went and um you know Sarah is one of those people that makes the best out of a situation she really does and you left there with some funny stories she has was on probation it seemed like her whole life these probate I mean but if any of you know anything about probation officers they don't usually give gift cards and gifts and parties they love Sarah because she never missed a urine test she she would get called you got to go now so it didn't matter what
047she was doing she had to explain to her boss and everyone has to do this if you have been arrested and you have to do random drug testing they call you you tell them the col they tell you the color right if you have that color it does not matter you could be having lunch with the Pope and you have to say I have to go take a urine test excuse me doesn't they don't care so people lose their jobs they Sarah got lucky she she had employers that were very good to her and they listened to her and trusted her because she was a hard worker but she never in all those years missed going down there one time her probation officer called me at the end and said we're really Gonna Miss S
048I said are you yes I'm sure you will you'll never see her again hopefully so I hope you had a touch in goodbye the last uh the last time she was in there but in doing this is there anything is is there anything you'd like to impart anything you learned anything that you could tell a parent um don't give up on on your kid don't give up on your kid it is a battle with yourself and it gets easier every day and and then it gets fun to do better and yeah there there is a light at the the tunnel there is there is and I and I knew it was there because I had people in my life like Connie Kelly who I could just go over and visit with who would make me
049feel better in three minutes she raised about 15 kids of her own I don't even know how many kids grandkids she was the word of wisdom for me she didn't say much but when she Connie I can't even tell you how grateful I am for the help you gave me and everybody needs somebody like that I had Joe with me he was in my corner you have a loved one that's abusing drugs abusing alcohol it's not them it's just not them so I knew when I was saying no to Sarah and she was cursing me and telling me she was going to kill me in my sleep and I don't Maybe that I think that was kid from try um all of these things that Sarah said to me I was able to disassociate I
050was able and we all disassociate we think of disassociation as you know not that's not how it is we just have to disassociate all the time I had to remove myself as her mother and treat her as if she was a stranger I was trying to help because if a parent does not have the capability of doing that you won't be able to sit here we wouldn't be able to sit here and do this she I would be giving it would be dysfunctional and it would just continue and continue and continue now Sarah has these skills or she has recognized I need to live with healthy people Ed I need to have a good job Yankee mattress she's a hard worker we had to rebuild our relationship but it didn't take much because most of
051the most of the negative feelings she had towards me were when she was drinking not when she was sober so I had to really say that to myself every single day on my way to work because I knew I was going to get calls at work I'd have to say today is going to be okay I'm going to support Sarah by not supporting her I'm gonna support Sarah by letting her know I love her and I I told her the same thing every time I will pick you up at any time of the day or night and bring you to detox yeah I hated that sentence I know hated it and I'll tell you she you did hate it she as soon as I would say sarup if you ever click but nothing she would
052tell me Mom I'm not going to detox okay but if you do click I mean she did not want to hear it but that's the wonderful thing about addiction if you want to change you can do it it didn't matter what I did she didn't get sober because of what things I did what I did or didn't do just help facilitate it I think a little quicker that's that's what that did but Sarah did this on her own she made the decision one day I'm done do you remember that day I mean you may not I don't know well technically the court did determine that day but I was on bored with it at the same time I didn't want to drink anymore at that point yeah I didn't want to and I was just
053using it as a void for loneliness and I love being alone now so yeah so I guess if there's anything we would want someone to take from this is that family is hard we love our family the person you feel safest with is often the one that is the target for all those emotions you don't feel safe releasing on other people and that sometimes the help you give an addict or an alcoholic or anyone struggling Sometimes the best help you can give them is just to listen and then send them on their way because nobody is going to get sober she was never going to get sober because I told her to that was never going to happen and no addict alcoholic Gambler doesn't matter what you're addicted to you have to be ready for
054it you have to be ready in your heart in your mind and when I saw this look on Sarah I could see it coming so I had to be patient I couldn't always say to her Sarah how are you feeling today because she hated that too yeah I did yeah she didn't like that a flashback so I just treated her like she was kind of a guest yeah I treated her very casually and that worked now if Joe wasn't there would I have been able to do it I don't know doesn't matter he was there I don't need to think about what I would have done I was very blessed to have Joe around and I'm just blessed that we're here today to talk about this and I really hope there's there are some people
055watching this that are clinicians and I hope that they too can realize when you're helping a family through this you have to be really careful what you say because it's a very painful process and you can't say to someone just stop drinking just stop drinking I tried everything I tried changing your room around I thought maybe if I cleaned out her closet for her she'd come home and be happy all these things that I thought if I just fixed but it was in her heart she needed to fix first she needed to learn to like herself if you don't like yourself you're in trouble you're in trouble so having Sarah in my life is just I can't I just don't even know what to say I'm just blessed I'm blessed this that we're here talking
056about it and and hopefully someone hears something that resonates and some mother or father out there can hear it and say okay there is a light at the end of this tunnel it's not always it's not always the light you're looking for though people lose their life all the time to this disease so that's a light in a different sense a light not always a lightness of positivity this disease kills so many people every single day so you have to look at light in a very very different way when you've lost someone to this disease and we all know someone that has died from drugs or alcohol so thanks for coming this is wonderful this was really nice I I appreciate it if anybody wants to ask Sarah any questions or me you're more than
057welcome there's coffee up here I do want to say thank you to this young man behind the camera I forgot your name I'm sorry um that's cable access so it's wonderful they're here God only knows who's watching this thing tonight but yeah does anybody want to ask anything or just uh wrap it up I would you avoid your triggers around alcohol you know I really I stopped hanging out with anybody I there was a point where I was sober for two and a half years and then I was hanging out with people who were drinking all around me and then one day I just drank with them so I just stopped hanging out with people I went to work I came home every day honestly just having you as a someone there every day was
058helpful and now I avoid triggers I still find new triggers every day me and my mom went to a casino when we were in Florida yes and I didn't realize how much of a trigger that was walking in there just from the homeless days the environment just so I'm still learning triggers but I know to just walk away from them now what we did was just identify it then we left and I mean it still will pop into my head even just like a shower thought of why don't you have a drink but then it it's only a Split Second Split Second but it's like we have that's reality comes into play so yeah trigger still happen but just learning what to do every day making those changes yeah her car Sarah lived in her
059car for a while so the car was a trigger for me because and this is another thing to really remember about people people that have lived in their car homeless addicts whatever is that car becomes very sacred becomes as a place that they consider that's where they're living so Sarah was very protective of her car and it it is it has a whole new meaning for someone else so if I went near the car if I looked in the car Sarah would get very angry and so now seeing the car clean see you know for the most part yeah um you know just not all her stuff all in it I mean you could tell she was living in it that was a trigger for me but then Sarah started to clean it up now
060she keeps her car clean for the most part and yeah I think me also recognizing that that was a trigger because we were walking through through the casino and Sarah was just getting so Snappy with me and I'm thinking woohoo I got a night of gambling tonight yeah lasted 10 minutes I looked at her and I said are you okay she went we got to go and then I realized this whole scene is a trigger for her so we left yeah people drinking you know you got people at the slot machines with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth they're like drinking I mean it's very once I saw it through a different perspective I was like oh my gosh I'll go by myself next time so yeah so that's it so thank you thank
061you congratulations [Applause] okay where's the thing that's a [Applause] WRA that takes a lot of courage to sh that story a lot of good Lu thank you okay